A Trip to Antarctica

14 January 2018

Yesterday, a group of tourists came over to Antarctica. They were in the best of their moods as they were hoping to finally meet the animal of their dreams. They had succeeded in saving enough money for a trip that will bring them to the homeland of Polar Bears!

Well, Polar bears do not live in Antarctica. They once used to, but due to tax problems and immigration policies, they have since migrated to the other pole, the so-called North pole. Residents of Antarctica do not acknowledge the existence of such a pole, accoridng to them, only the south pole exists!

So, when the visitors came to a local ice cream parlour, which was basically a cream parlour but got buried under 8 feet of ice, and they informed the locals about their will to see the polar bear and visit the North pole, they were, as you might have realised already, not given a satisfactory response and the warm welcome they had received, was also withdrawn, the warm welcome being, the leather and woolen clothes they were wearing.

What happened next is not child friendly and we shall not elaborate because we rarely write about obscenity!

But, the bottom line is, if anyone ever comes to Antarctica, please do not mention the name of Arctic region and if you ever wish to see the polar bear, please do not come here in the first place!

Penguin enthusiasts are welcome, however!🐧🐧🐧

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay

New posts everyday for the rest of 2018.

Come back tomorrow at the same time for another brand new post!

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Windowless Cars and Carless Windows

The car was so new and so shiny, that we had to buy ten rolls of sandpaper to roughen the surface, as it reflected the sunlight a little too enthusiastically and blinded half the population of neighborhood, within a day after we bought it. It was an amazing car. From the front it looked like a Sedan, from back and SUV, from the left side a small truck and from right side, well, it had no right side. While cleaning it, the morning after we bought it, we overdid our deed till the point when the right side no more left and what was left, was not right, that is, as any wise man would say, wrong. Right after we left the car under the glaring sun, we got a call stating that the local eye hospital was bustling with patients. We classified the call to be fake, for had the eye patients been really eye patients, how did they correctly identify that exact building to be the eye hospital? As much as we knew, maps, or even google maps, for that matter, are not available in braille. Reflecting upon that moment now, we feel quite embarrassed as, we would have been really stupid to consider total blindness to be the only problem of the eye disease spectrum, although our guess was the closest approximation to reality. If you had visited our home before, you would have known about the costly flower vase that we had brought from Antarctica after we bought it, which stood victoriously upon the center table. If you visit our house now, however, you would no longer see it. You might see a part of the broken glass lying submissively, at some obscure location in our home where the broom never sweeps, but you would mover ever, no matter how much you craved for, see the entirety of that vase. You see, it was broken when that call from the eye hospital was finally over. That call, which plays an important role in developing the plot for this story, informed us that it was our gleaming car which had blinded half the neighbors of ours’. We ran out hastily, to witness our new car glowing with glory. We also ran back in immediately, in a desperate attempt to apply water on our eyes, or as we like to put it, irrigate our eyes. Our eyes were the richest shade of red, though we couldn’t see it, we felt it. No other color, has the intensity or sadistic personality, strong enough to describe the knife stab, we felt in our eyes. In one such moment, all of us tripped over and fell, simultaneously, over that costly vase. But when the most delightful sense organ is on fire, a loss of money seems to be unimportant. Your brain doesn’t let go of the fact that your net worth was shrunk by a costly thousand Antarctic dollar vase, but your brain does really good, at keeping the anger, in retrospect to that loss, postponed. But with our eyes closed, we had a tough time determining whether the thing we were clutching was the cap-articulating surface of a bottle of water or the throat of a human, since both were necks. By now we had lost hopes of irrigating our eyes, so we thought visiting the eye hospital would be a good idea. So we got into the glittering car and we started to drive slowly, yet steadily as our eyes were closed. Even if they would have been open, I don’t think we would have been much better off, as the car neither did have windows, nor any windshield. Though the car was optically opaque, it was ‘auditorily trespassable’. So we let the direction of painful shouts direct us from the street, as we progressed viciously. We kept on driving the glimmering vehicle till we had reached a location, with a building which was ‘brobdingnagianly’ loud. Since our car had no doors either, we exited the car from its right side, which was the wrong side as the building was on our left. We confidently crossed the street, completely oblivious of a crossing named after zebras and entered a building which was precisely opposite to the eye clinic, which was a hospital for knee surgery. As we observed the noise of eye hospital grow distant, we thought to ourselves that everybody, must have been blind enough to go into the knee surgery department instead of the eye clinic, because we were overconfident that we were headed towards the right building! But luck was on our side, and two later all of walked out victoriously of the knee department with young, vibrant eyes! We could see again, but what we could see betrayed our sense of reality. We found ourselves standing with our face towards eye clinic on the other side of the road, even though we had not yet exited the building we were in. On further brainstorming, we understood that we had blinded the whole city and the eye doctors had made a mistake similar to us and entered the knee department. Since, the patients we had blinded did not make the same mistake, the eye doctors had no patients since the morning and had instead used the time to treat each other, which is why they could cure our eyes perfectly. The knee doctors however, blinded by us, had entered the eye clinic, which was overflowing with patients and had confidently done knee surgery on their elbows, as they themselves were blind. Luckily, the sun hid behind a cloud, as we stepped out of the knee department, or else we would have been blinded again! So we stepped into the car from the right side, drove it to the nearest store and sold it to them for a hefty sum. However, the fact that we are carless hurt our ego, so ever since we referred to our car ownership status as owning a ‘window which had no cars’, instead of the previous ‘car which had no windows.

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay
Editor-in-chief
Antarctica Daily

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Contract Killer hires Contract Killer to Contractually Kill Contract Killer

30 February, 0141: We should be self sufficient in our lives. However, self-sufficiency was precisely what was not exemplified by the Contract Killers, here in Antarctica.

There are three most wanted most gruesome most famous Contract Killers named Alpha, Beta and Gamma. Now last month, Gamma had surreptitiously overtaken Alpha in the number of murders. So as usual, Alpha was indignant. Now Alpha decided to kill Gamma, which would not only add to his own tally but would also put an end to Gamma’s Tally. However, he knew that murder, unlike mercy, could not be twice blessed, and hence he contractually hired Beta to Kill Gamma. Beta however was behind both Alpha and Gamma in number of murders. The fact that, Alpha has to Supply him with murder contracts, hit his self ego. So Beta hired Gamma to murder Alpha. But Gamma was afraid Beta will take the credit of the murder after Alpha has been murdered. To prevent this from happening, he hired up Alpha to kill Beta. If Gamma then kills Alpha, he will be the only one left.

All three of them had now hired the other to kill the third and planned that the murder will take place exactly at south pole.

Murder Spot

At the appointed time all three of them appeared at South pole with Guns. Everyone thought that the other will kill the third and as soon as the third is killed, he will kill the other. Now all three stood in the vertices of a perfectly equilateral triangle. Alpha started moving towards Beta and Beta started moving towards Gamma and Gamma started moving towards Alpha. Everyone thought that the third one was being overly dramatic. As a result of their movement their trajectory was like:

Their Path of Movement

All the three kept on moving expecting the third to stop and the murder to begin. But none stopped, as all three thought the same. They approached the center and their heads collided and they fell on the ground.

Suddenly Delta (The fourth best Contract killer) suddenly came from somewhere and killed all three, thus becoming the Greatest Contract Killer of Antarctica not being contractually killed by a contract killer who was hired by another contract killer. He was later captured by Antarctic Police and awarded 100000000000000000000000000 Antarctic Nachos (our currency) for killing other killers.

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay
Editor-in-chief
Antarctica Daily
Website: Our Simple yet Elegant Website and Our Not So Simple Yet Elegant Website

‘Autocorrect’ almost caused World War Three

30 February, 0140: The autocorrect feature was deemed to be the invention of the future when it was invented in the past. However, calling it a futuristic tool in the present has become a thing of past! Nowadays, people believe strongly that the autocorrect was invented only to popularise the Asterix Symbol signifying typo errors. But very few people ever thought that this could initiate a nuclear war. Amazingly, however it took another equally disturbing unwanted Autocorrect modification to end the war, and ensure a few more years of safe existence of the human race on this planet.

The Antarctica Government Ambassador Mr Penguin tweeted last Wednesday, “Antarctica is the coolest country #cold #freezing” from his mobile in which autocorrect was active. As a result, autocorrect silently modified the tweet as “Antarctica wants to destroy the world #bomb #bombing“. It was immediately retweeted a trillion times by a trillion twitter accounts and while retweeting the autocorrect feature in their smartphones again massively changed the tweet beyond any recognisable pattern.

Few of the interesting variants were:

  • Antarctica will colonise the world #ruler #ruling.
  • Pizza is better than Pasta #hungry #eating.
  • Happy birthday to William Shakespeare #writer #partying.
  • Harry Potter will visit Gotham #batman #batting.
  • Autocorrect will end the world #soon #ending.

But what followed is the worst thing that could have been. Every account suddenly tweeted in unison, “We Want World War Three #WW3 #fighting.” But then 2 seconds later, again everybody tweeted, “We Don’t Want World Three #No_WW3 #not_fighting”. But what is interesting is that within that precious 2 seconds gap every country in the world had already accumulated an army big enough to destroy the Universe. Everyone again had to disassemble the army and calm everyone down when suddenly everyone tweeted,”Antarctica is the coolest country #cold #freezing P.S. We want peace” thus ending this awesome story with exactly what it had started.

Experts have denied complains that the problem was with twitter accounts and have rather blamed the Autocorrect feature for this mishap.

“I Correct Autocorrect, more than Autocorrect corrects me.”, tweeted an expert who had recently disabled the feature.

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay
Editor-in-chief
Antarctica Daily
Website: Our Simple yet Elegant Website

Richest man goes bankrupt after buying the only Calculator which can calculate his Net Worth

30 February, 0120: Lil Bets had the worst nightmare amidst his Dream. After being nominated by all the leading Net Worth Calculator Magazines his confidence was hiked to the level beyond what could be called a safe level of confidence, and he immediately made an utterly bewildering bid in an auction.

To recheck whether the net worth calculated by the magazines was accurate he wished for a calculator smart enough that can calculate his real net worth. According to our estimates it was (yes, WAS as it is no more) the following:

number.jpg

The number is HUGE and by HUGE we mean HUGE!

Any Computer of fathomable technology can not even fathom a fathoming machine which can fathom this sort of a number!

Although, it turned out such a number could be crunched by the microscopic pocket calculator owned by an Indian actor named Rajinikanth!

So the bid was made and the money was paid and it turned out that the price of the calculator was equal to the net worth itself! So the Richest man paid the full amount and as a broke man received the calculator. But he instantly lost it and hence he was officially penniless!

This the saddest story of the  century…… :-((

PS: Rajinikanth donated the money to an alien community who burned the entire money to propel their rocket from Jupiter, their vacation home, where they ran out of fuel, to Andromeda Galaxy!

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay
Editor-in-chief
Antarctica Daily
Website: Simple yet Elegant Website

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Ǝɿɘʜ ᗡnuoʇ ɘd ᗡluoɔ luʇɘƨu Ꭾniʜƚon

30 February, 0117:

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Tʜiƨ iƨ ʜow you will dɘ wɒƨƚinǫ ƚʜɘ nɘxƚ ʇiʇƚɘɘn minuƚɘƨ oʇ youɿ qɿɘɔiouƨ ƚimɘ.

.gnihcraes no peek ot eunitnoc lliw uoy nosaer nwonknu emos ot eud llits tub ,gnitseretni gnihtyna rehtien gnihsinotsa gnihtyna dnif ton lliw Uoy

.sraeppa ti elbatneserp woh rehtar tub si ffuts a lufesu woh taht tcaf eht ton si srettam tahW

˙ƎWI┴ ℲO Ǝ┴S∀M ɐ sᴉ ʇᴉ ʇɐɥʇ ƃuᴉʍouʞ ǝʇᴉdsǝp ,sɹno ɟo ʇsod lnɟdlǝɥun ʎlɹɐᴉlnɔǝd sᴉɥʇ ɥɔʇɐʍ oʇ ǝnuᴉʇuoɔ llᴉʍ ‘noʎ sǝƃɐɯᴉ ƃuᴉʇɐǝɹɔ uoᴉsnllᴉ puɐ ʇxǝʇ ʎlqqoʍ ǝɥʇ llɐ ɥʇᴉʍ oS

Scientists will discontinue usage of “KILO-” prefix for safety of Physicists

30 October,0093: Very soon, the end would be very near. Scientists have clearly declared that the longer the KILO- prefix exists in our Units and measurements, the worse the safety for physicists will be. They explained WHY on asking WHY?!

Kilo_Logo

President of SPGS(Self Proclaimed Group of Scientists) Dr April Fool said that,” What we believe is that, it was the prefix kilo that has been the reason of death of all the famous physicists of this planet, especially the ones whose names start with O. To understand why, let us consider the unit of Resistance OHM, 10OHM is read as KILO-OHM or KILL-OHM. Similarly, KILL-NEWTON, KILL-AMPERE, KILL-PASCAL, etc. are used and poses a great threat to the world-famous scientists. Although, the claim has not yet been approved by all scientists, it is believed that in future, the prefix KILO- will be replaced by something more gentle and rewarding like, LIVO-.

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay
Editor-in-chief
Antarctica Daily
Website: http://www.antarcticadaily.weebly.com