Dementor vomits after sucking out the soul of Voldemort

5 May 2018

They were asked to guard the Azkaban. But they were hanging out in the Forbidden Forest. Suddenly, one of them spotted Voldemort. He tried to suck the soul out of him. Voldemort’s loveless soulless soul sucked out the dementor’s stomach contents instead, which turned out to be a gallon of butterbeer. The dementor was immediately admitted to Miss Pomfrey’s ICU. Reports say that the dementor is in a stable condition now.

Not everybody can mess with Voldemort. Maybe, he keeps on losing to a school kid, but that does not mean he is not powerful. He has multiple horcruxes. He has no sympathy. In fact in a spelling bee contest, Voldemort could not even spell the word ‘sympathy’! That aroused a lot of sympathy for him from around the world.

The dementor has promised that he would ‘no longer suck randomly’. This statement of his was getting censored by the Daily Prophet, who considered it to be inappropriate for the general public. This has resulted in the dementor restating his feelings by saying that he would ‘no longer suck souls randomly’.

Overall, this created quite a stir in the Wizarding World.

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay

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Little Drops of Liquor, Make a Mighty Liver

4 May 2018

We all drink. Let it be water, liquor or elixir. Water dilutes fluids and concentrates concentration. Elixir is useful for clash of clans armies. Liquor results in a mighty liver.

A mighty liver is pronounced with might and some accompanied fright. For a mighty liver is one that is suffering from cirrhosis. Drinking alcohol can worsen your health and reduce your wealth. Hence if you ever get an advice, not to drink alcohol, you should try to be wise and carefully make your call. Because drinking it always, makes you addicted, scientific research says, giving it up leaves your emotions conflicted.

Remember, a big liver is a big responsibility. Do you really want to take that? Choose wisely, live well.

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay

 

Smallest Poem Ever

3 May 2018

I,

Lie,

To,

You.

Can you write another short poem in the comments?

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay

9 ways to have 99 problems

2 May 2018

We ran into a lot of problems while researching about 99 problems, but that ain’t one. Hence, without further ado, here are the top 9 ways you can have 99 problems.

  • Play soccer in your alley and break a window of a disreputable neighbor’s home (the neighbor should be disreputable and not the home). You will have 99 problems and then a few more as a bonus.
  • You might often receive mails stating that you have won a Million Dollars. Reply to those using your original bank details even if and especially if, they forget to ask for it.
  • Sell all your belongings. Using that money, buy newer belongings. Then sell them and buy again new things. Since you are buying new and selling secondhand items everytime, your sell price will be consistently less than cost price. Very soon all 99 of them will appear. By them, we mean the problems.
  • Spread obnoxious rumors about yourself.
  • Switch back to Windows 95 for gaming, old Nokia 3310 for blogging and a pinhole camera for Instagram.
  • Add 100 to your age in the Resume. You can also subtract 100 and type some negatives.
  • Start a conversation with, “You know nothing. I know everything. Now let me explain it to you.”
  • Plan your winter vacation in Antarctica and Summer vacation in Sahara.
  • Explain to people that humans have evolved from apes, referring to their looks and behavior as a clear indicator of that fact.

If you want 9 more ways, leave a comment…

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay

How did James become an Overnight Billionaire?

1 May 2018

Who is James? Like seriously, who exactly is he? We had no idea until today morning. But since today’s morning, we have met nobody who did not know about James. James is now a household name. People are naming him during dearth of definitive determination. They are using references about James’ life in every other sentence. Even while sleep walking, some people are reported to have been repeating James’ name. How did this happen?

Last night, before going to sleep, James was very unhappy with his life. He was bored, broke and bad. Bad because he was not a good person. He had already wasted his life in order to do drugs. He wasted his drugs in order to have dates. He cancelled his dates in order to eat dates. Especially, the ones from the middle east. Then after importing such dates, he again gave up eating them.

Ideally, he should have circled backed to drugs. He did. But not to the habit of doing them. He started prescribing them. To people. Random people. Innocent and guilty all alike. He then added a prefix to his name. It was Dr. D for Drugs. R for re-doer. He was redoing the drugs, but was achieving the euphoria by prescribing them, instead of ingesting them.

His dark character got so much recognition worldwide that charities were inaugurated to give him the taste of his own medicine, literally. And they did. They prescribed him back some drugs. This was yesterday.

At night before going to sleep, he thought of taking the drug once. He did. And he immediately realised that the drug he was prescribing, was actually a poison. A white poison. A silent killer. A sugar cube. It wasn’t any hallucinogen or psychedelic substance, it was downright sucrose.

He felt sad for worsening the worldwide situation of diabetes. And, he stopped. Initially, he was losing billions of dollars because of his reckless lifestyle, now he started to save them. He saved his first billion last night by not purchasing useless apps from appstore and playstore. And, he became a billionaire. The fact that he has stopped, made him an instant celebrity.

Now everybody knows him as Billionaire James. Actually, earlier too people knew about James, but that was Dr James, a very shady and sweet figure.

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay

Queen Bee takes Maternity leave for Lifetime

30 April 2018

We all love our mothers. They are always ready to sacrifice anything for us. What really amazes us is the fact that, how caring the mothers are, even in the insect world! For example, take Mrs Bumble, a queen honey bee who is a professional honey developer at one of the most prestigious honeycombs in the Amazon. Yet, she completely gave up her career for the sake of nourishing and giving birth to her children.

She completed her masters from University of Free Money and Bee Honey. In the final year, she got the job where she rose to the highest ranks within days. But then, she realised that her colony needed her for the future. Within a minute’s notice she handed over her resignation letter. Or that’s what we thought. She was actually submitting the application for the maternity leave. This meant she would still be working from home and will help her company grow. But since, her colony needed a lot of babies, she had to extend her maternity leave for her lifetime.

This shows us the determination of the queen bee and her remarkable skill in balancing the nurturing of her children bees and her career simultaneously.

Nature is so incredibly full of moral values.

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay

Lizard and Peach are Wizard and Witch

29 April 2018

It was always them. Not Harry, not Hermione. Ok, maybe Harry and Hermione, but surely not any other muggle, whom we believe to be a wizard or a witch. They know nothing about magic. The ones who know are the ones who never advertise about themselves. And they are, the Wizard Lizard and the Witch Peach.

It has quoted to be the most inspiring discovery of the century when cricketers David Dravid and Shane Sen had finally let the cat out of their bag, instead of the bunny out of their hat. They were researching about metaphysical entities in physical environment, although why two cricketers would do that is still unsettled, when they applauded the subtle magic tricks performed by a lizard and a peach.

As soon as they sang the Happy Birthday song to the lizard, there is probably no reason why they did that, it withered in agonising discomfort and cursed the cricketers that their next birthday would never arrive. At this, the duo were scared to their death. Thus, their birthday never came again. Or that’s what the lizard thought. Just as the lizard teleported itself to another room in search of a flying insect, a heavenly peach came by and blessed the dead cricketers that from today, everyday would be their birthday. And it was so. Their corpses suddenly felt rejuvenated and died, giving birth to their alive bodies! When they woke up, they checked their social media feed instinctively, proving that old habits die hard, and realised that it was filled Birthday wishes.

Although, they did not receive such wishes everyday, probably because the curse counterbalanced the blessing, they at least were alive enough to share their stories and prove to the world that lizards and peaches are indeed wizards and witches.

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay