Bug off, CSS! (feat. PHP, MySQL and JS)

30 February, 0174: Some programmers will agree that CSS is the most bugging language ever. We often find ourselves bugged up while trying to debug CSS. Yesterday CSS bugged me up big time and it is then that I realised that,

Bugs may come,
And Bugs may Go,
but CSS stays Bugged Forever!

 

Weird, yet true. It just beautifies a markup language. It has no variables, no yearnings for the unattainable, has very few conditional statements, yet still it manages to end up performing disfiguring plastic surgery upon the face of our website.

Honestly, it takes 25% of our time to build the framework of our website. Another 5% to add the essential components. And the remaining 70% is spent to find that forgotten god-damned semicolon messing up our PHP, that god-forsaken typo guiding MySQL to disconnect our DB and that satan-kissed forgotten closing-brace mixing up all our JS functions.

And then 200% of the spent time is re-spent, because we can’t find that devilishly tomfoolish div element, which is adding a horribly terrible margin-right to our content.

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay

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Windows user downloads Playstore from Appstore in his Kali Linux running Mac using Ubuntu terminal

30 February, 0172: We had never imagined that we would ever publish such a heading. It is just downright wrong on so many levels. In fact, calling it just wrong is a viciously wronged act in itself, let alone being just wrong. It is so wrong, that it gives us chills to write that it is indeed right!

Tim Page and Bill Trovalds were two young entrepreneurs. But, we will talk about them, some other time! Instead, let us talk about that famous Windows user. The first weird thing abut this person is that, despite being a Windows user, he used Kali Linux in his Mac. No wonder, cross platform integration was his thing. His Mac, as we later found out was a Big Mac. He was probably the first person to ever use a burger as his PC. Nonetheless, he grew tired of the costly apps of Appstore, which he used to download third party apps in his computer. He was looking for a cheaper alternative, maybe a jailbroken device to install custom apps, but since his device was a PC, he already had root access, and being a man who preferred endurance he ruled out that possibility.

One morning, when the Sun finally set, and darkness set in, and his electricity provider cut his connection for failing to cope up with the tremendous rate at which he paid bills of future months, he decided to download a flashlight app from Appstore. But he found out that out of the few apps that were there, three were paid, six were not compatible with his device and the only one which was left, had extremely poor reviews. But, sitting in the dark and frustrated at his bad luck he became so desperate that he installed that horrible app. He found out that it had a pro version. Which if bought for $130 per month, could also emit X-ray flashes and give him ‘free’ medical checkups along with removing the advertisements and supporting the developer.

This angered him beyond limits. He launched his terminal which by the way, used Ubuntu commands. He typed, “sudo apt-get install any-app-that-helps-me-download-cheap-apps” and another app store window opened in front of his eyes, listing Playstore as the only option.

In a moment of unthinking determination, he installed it, becoming the first Windows user to ever download Playstore from Appstore using Ubuntu terminal in his Kali Linux running Mac.

Thus, he created history, but being a resident of twenty first century as we all are, he deleted it immediately along with all other browsing history, the motive behind which, for an unknown reason, he denied to reveal to us, but probably, according to us, was the abundance of the letter ‘x’ in the URLs of the websites he had supposedly visited!

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay

Antarctica Daily

Dementor vomits after sucking out the soul of Voldemort

5 May 2018

They were asked to guard the Azkaban. But they were hanging out in the Forbidden Forest. Suddenly, one of them spotted Voldemort. He tried to suck the soul out of him. Voldemort’s loveless soulless soul sucked out the dementor’s stomach contents instead, which turned out to be a gallon of butterbeer. The dementor was immediately admitted to Miss Pomfrey’s ICU. Reports say that the dementor is in a stable condition now.

Not everybody can mess with Voldemort. Maybe, he keeps on losing to a school kid, but that does not mean he is not powerful. He has multiple horcruxes. He has no sympathy. In fact in a spelling bee contest, Voldemort could not even spell the word ‘sympathy’! That aroused a lot of sympathy for him from around the world.

The dementor has promised that he would ‘no longer suck randomly’. This statement of his was getting censored by the Daily Prophet, who considered it to be inappropriate for the general public. This has resulted in the dementor restating his feelings by saying that he would ‘no longer suck souls randomly’.

Overall, this created quite a stir in the Wizarding World.

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay

Little Drops of Liquor, Make a Mighty Liver

4 May 2018

We all drink. Let it be water, liquor or elixir. Water dilutes fluids and concentrates concentration. Elixir is useful for clash of clans armies. Liquor results in a mighty liver.

A mighty liver is pronounced with might and some accompanied fright. For a mighty liver is one that is suffering from cirrhosis. Drinking alcohol can worsen your health and reduce your wealth. Hence if you ever get an advice, not to drink alcohol, you should try to be wise and carefully make your call. Because drinking it always, makes you addicted, scientific research says, giving it up leaves your emotions conflicted.

Remember, a big liver is a big responsibility. Do you really want to take that? Choose wisely, live well.

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay

 

Smallest Poem Ever

3 May 2018

I,

Lie,

To,

You.

Can you write another short poem in the comments?

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay

9 ways to have 99 problems

2 May 2018

We ran into a lot of problems while researching about 99 problems, but that ain’t one. Hence, without further ado, here are the top 9 ways you can have 99 problems.

  • Play soccer in your alley and break a window of a disreputable neighbor’s home (the neighbor should be disreputable and not the home). You will have 99 problems and then a few more as a bonus.
  • You might often receive mails stating that you have won a Million Dollars. Reply to those using your original bank details even if and especially if, they forget to ask for it.
  • Sell all your belongings. Using that money, buy newer belongings. Then sell them and buy again new things. Since you are buying new and selling secondhand items everytime, your sell price will be consistently less than cost price. Very soon all 99 of them will appear. By them, we mean the problems.
  • Spread obnoxious rumors about yourself.
  • Switch back to Windows 95 for gaming, old Nokia 3310 for blogging and a pinhole camera for Instagram.
  • Add 100 to your age in the Resume. You can also subtract 100 and type some negatives.
  • Start a conversation with, “You know nothing. I know everything. Now let me explain it to you.”
  • Plan your winter vacation in Antarctica and Summer vacation in Sahara.
  • Explain to people that humans have evolved from apes, referring to their looks and behavior as a clear indicator of that fact.

If you want 9 more ways, leave a comment…

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay

How did James become an Overnight Billionaire?

1 May 2018

Who is James? Like seriously, who exactly is he? We had no idea until today morning. But since today’s morning, we have met nobody who did not know about James. James is now a household name. People are naming him during dearth of definitive determination. They are using references about James’ life in every other sentence. Even while sleep walking, some people are reported to have been repeating James’ name. How did this happen?

Last night, before going to sleep, James was very unhappy with his life. He was bored, broke and bad. Bad because he was not a good person. He had already wasted his life in order to do drugs. He wasted his drugs in order to have dates. He cancelled his dates in order to eat dates. Especially, the ones from the middle east. Then after importing such dates, he again gave up eating them.

Ideally, he should have circled backed to drugs. He did. But not to the habit of doing them. He started prescribing them. To people. Random people. Innocent and guilty all alike. He then added a prefix to his name. It was Dr. D for Drugs. R for re-doer. He was redoing the drugs, but was achieving the euphoria by prescribing them, instead of ingesting them.

His dark character got so much recognition worldwide that charities were inaugurated to give him the taste of his own medicine, literally. And they did. They prescribed him back some drugs. This was yesterday.

At night before going to sleep, he thought of taking the drug once. He did. And he immediately realised that the drug he was prescribing, was actually a poison. A white poison. A silent killer. A sugar cube. It wasn’t any hallucinogen or psychedelic substance, it was downright sucrose.

He felt sad for worsening the worldwide situation of diabetes. And, he stopped. Initially, he was losing billions of dollars because of his reckless lifestyle, now he started to save them. He saved his first billion last night by not purchasing useless apps from appstore and playstore. And, he became a billionaire. The fact that he has stopped, made him an instant celebrity.

Now everybody knows him as Billionaire James. Actually, earlier too people knew about James, but that was Dr James, a very shady and sweet figure.

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay