How to cook in your Stomach?

22 April 2018

We are busy. We are so busy that it is now easy to forget to eat and end up with a zero figure. A man named Aman from India, once spent 6 months without eating because he was too busy completing his assignments for the semester. To avoid such disasters, scientists have listed out methods that can be used to cook the food spontaneously in our stomach when we eat it. The steps to do it are as follows: (Be careful, you should not attempt to do any of these if you are a human being. These methods have been tested on Aliens and only the beta versions are available for humans which might have bugs.)

  • If you like cakes and pastries then install a software called CookAnywhere in your spinal cord. This will help you to transfer the food you eat to an oven server, cook it and return back the cooked food for you to digest.
  • Eating the ingredients separately is another way to reduce time consumption for food consumption. Throw in all the ingredients into your mouth as all of them are destined to enter and exit the same pathway and their order, as a nihilist might agree, is unimportant.
  • Use the vibration mode of your smartphones. After eating the raw ingredients, use the mobile phones to vibrate your abdomen and as a result, cook the food using the energy from the vibration.
  • Eat a few teeth to chew better in your stomach. You can digest improperly cooked items easily if you do this.
  • Build a modular kitchen in your stomach. That way you can hire a chef who will prepare awesome food right in your stomach. Allow the air from the chimney to exit through your nasopharynx, so as to enjoy the smell while the food gets cooked.

As we have said before, all these methods are still accompanied with a serious life risk for the owner of the stomach. Please do not act on impulse and adopt the aforementioned strategies without discussing the outcomes with a doctor.

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay

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Staring into Ovens can grill your Head

16 April 2018

We can stare at other people and end up being called a freak. We can stare at the greenery of forests and trees and end up being called a nature lover. We can do the same to ovens, but we better not, for if we do, it might grill our head.

A young woman named, well, she told us not to disclose it before embarking upon her skyward journey, had just placed her cake inside the oven, to bake it and then eat it. But she was so hungry that she could not resist herself from staring deep into the oven.  How gracefully, did the cake batter containing container swirl and twirl and whirl inside the oven. How awesome was the emerging aroma. How magnificent was the golden tinge. How ignorant had she been. How could she not realise that her head was getting grilled. How horrible was her last few hours in the ICU. The answers to these questions, we may never know. But what we do know is that we should never stare into ovens. For ovens are one evil of a creation, by a devil named man, who for his selfish needs, found out ways to grill food and bake cakes, by methods which even the shadiest of the criminals fear to pronounce, by means which makes the nature blush with blood of fury, for reasons of the mere fulfilment of appetite, which when at the stake, he is ready to take lives and return in its place, sucked upon seeds and chewed upon bones. Hunger has compelled man to be hungry, It is the hunger that is taking the lives now. The ball is in our court now, for its plural has  been kicked by the ovens. We are helpless. We are afraid. How will we, innocent children of God, save us from this new endeavour of death to add us to his collection?

Please Share This. This might save lives! Human lives!

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay

Usain Bolt beats Fast Food

10 April 2018

Yesterday, the world’s most awaited 100m running competition was held between Usain Bolt and a Cheesy Burger from Heart Attack Grill. Strangely enough, the burger despite being a fast food lost the race to Great athletic personality of Usain Bolt by a factor of milliseconds.

With a shot of gun in the air, the race had begun. Usain bolt was seen advancing at an incredible pace, with his legs propelling him towards the finish line. Unseen by the audience, just beside Bolt was a cheesy burger, rolling fast enough to be a least a one arm distance in front of the fastest runner. No doubt, it was indeed a very fast food.

Just before the finish line, the burger, overwhelmed by its speed, slowed down for a moment to tuck in a cheese slice that was almost falling off its side. The experts have blamed the molten cheese on top for this mishap. But that was all that Bolt needed. He sped past the burger and crossed the finish line in a blink of an eye, clinching the gold medal successfully.

It’s true that the burger did not win, but it did show some incredible sportsman’s spirit by offering Bolt to have it to celebrate his win. Bolt too taught us that we should never give up till the game is over. The managers of the event taught us that even a burger can compete in a 100m race. Our biology books taught us that Mitochondria are the power houses of the cells. But that was all.

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay

A Tasty Tuesday Post

Why I never order Fresh Chicken?

7 April 2018

I was hungry as f…, never mind, I’ll change the sentence, I was as hungry as a ‘fearful tiger’, when I finally found out the restaurant, which from its looks from the outside, and the smells from the inside, qualified as an eatable restaurant as far as my index of eatability was concerned, although, the looks of the inside and the smell of the outside, did indeed try its level best, to disqualify this specific food birthplace and deathplace, unless we are talking about home deliveries, off my standard list of appreciable restaurant which I have recently talked about, and had left me, for at least a few precious seconds, second guessing, whether to enter into this heavenly hell, or not? But ultimately, I had said yes. To myself. And I placed myself at a table for five only to be politely guided by the manager to a lonely table of two. Soon, I placed an order. A long time afterwards, I was still waiting for my fresh chicken kebabs to arrive. In those moments of relentless appetite and objectionable thoughts, when a neighboring table got served, I was forced into debating whether it was the chicken that was fresh or the kebabs made from it were, only to keep my mind off the chicken kebab. Soon, my deepest desires erupted and I called up a random guy who was serving random food on randomly selected tables. Upon enquiry, he disclosed that the chicken stock was over, hence the chef was attempting to acquire chickens now, which, according to him was resulting in the delay. Acquiring chickens seemed to be a state of the art technology to me. I continued my silent ponderings. Soon, I suffered another outburst. This time, the manager told me that not just this restaurant but also the entire neighbourhood is chickenless. I objected. He overruled. I gave up, and started to daydream again. Soon, the chef himself arrived. I raised my fork high up and threatened him to give me a chicken, for if he did not, I shall plant this weapon of mine carpus in the tender bosom of his, letting blood flow uninterrupted unless every single drop of blood was lost, bottled and sold as red wine. He mournfully told me that the eggs too were over. I didn’t care. I ordered chicken, I wanted chicken. He explained that since the chickens were nearly extinct from the neighborhood, the only hope to eat chicken was by growing one out of an egg. Not that I hated the plan, but in my busy life, time was a big factor. But, as he said, the eggs were over. That’s where the fish comes in, said he. I asked him to explain. He said that fishes or the pisces eventually gave rise to amphibia, which evolved into reptilia and ultimately aves. So, if he waited long enough, he might evolve a chicken out for me. I was impressed. But he didn’t deserve admiration. He said, the fish stock too, was over. I was angry now. I demanded a solution. He smiled imperceptibly and pointed towards a prawn. I felt dead. He explained, yet again, those crustaceans which are mandibulates and hence arthropods, can give rise to molluscs, then to echinodermata, but that won’t help so we will wait for hemichordates to evolve and then via protochordates like urochordates and cephalochordates, we would arrive at craniates like cyclostomes and eventually develop pisces from where obtaining a Gallus gallus domesticus would be child’s play. I wasn’t listening as I threatened that if the restaurant did not serve me within five minutes, I would perform retrogressive evolution upon the chef and convert him back to a reptile and ultimately to a chicken via some pterodactyl like intermediate. This worked. They brought me chicken kebabs within one minute. I asked, whether evolution had sped up? To this they negated and replied that this was just a chicken kebab. To eat a fresh chicken kebab, as I had ordered, waiting for fresh chicken is mandatory and as I gathered from their explanation, a fresh chicken is one, which has recently evolved into a chicken and its last ancestor was one from another species.

Ever since, I have never ordered fresh chicken.

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay

Do share if you like.

What are wetter Water Waiters?

28 March 2018

They are waiters. They serve underwater. They are wet by water.

That’s it.

This post is destined to be longer than the answer ever demanded to be. Hence, we will fill the rest of the post with completely irrelevant details. Like the fact that these waiters are actually otters. They are camouflaged to resemble humans. They have four feet, they had five earlier but then they chose to forfeit their fifth feet. Also, they had the habit of serving food like a tennis serve. Their aim was to ace. Or atleast to target the face. With grace. Or even the dress. Nonetheless, they also did bless. Alive or dead flesh. Tied with a shoelace and packed with a mesh.

Their description, as you might have realised is endless and hence useless. So, I’ll stop.

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay

Editor in Chief

Antarctica Daily

What a Crow-incidence!

23 March 2018

Everybody who lives on our planet, knows about the story of the thirsty crow. About how it was very thirsty, one hot day in a hotter summer. And how it dropped mentos in a bottle of coke to raise the level of the liquid and then fly away without drinking it, because it drank only diet pepsi.

This story hangs at the tip of the tongue of every human child, whether born or unborn, whether still a child or now an adult, whether a human or an alien. The least we can expect in such a situation is that the moral taught by the story must be clearly instilled in our minds. And as you might have already understood, it is not yet so.

Therefore, government is taking incredible steps to inculcate such values of creativity and determination among the younger generations. Last day, in a special class conducted in Antarctica, University students from every kindergarten school of the world were assembled together. Antarctic Education Minister, Sir Il Literate was giving a lecture on the thirsty crow.

At the middle of the lecture, he started to cough uncontrollably and decided to drink some water. But he discovered that his glass had only a few drops of water hanging out at the greatest depths of his glass. Instead of utilising the values he just taught, he loudly cursed the organising committee in obscene language.

Suddenly, a crow shaped penguin flew in from somewhere and slapped the minister hard on an unmentionable anatomical entity. With the minister howling in pain, the penguin dropped a few stones in the glass, a few on minister’s head and then poured the solitary drops of water from the glass on his head, along with the stones present within.

The students roared with laughter and clicked a few selfies and went home with a cheerful mind and a violent soul.

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay

Editor in Chief

Antarctica Daily

We may never know

17 March 2018

We may never know
How hard we have to blow?
The canals of our nose
Which are soon going to close.

What flows out is bright
And is sticky with its might.
Soon the air exchange stops
Then Respiration flops.

Our mouth is opened wide
In order to abide
By The wish to inspire
From an organ placed higher.

We never cease to chant
Name of God as we pant,
But often we do curse
Making our prayers worse.

The heart beats like a drum
As we head towards the Rum,
We drink all in a breath
Succumbing to our death.

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay

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