A Difficult Ascension


You usually take the stairs. You may take the elevator, but more often it is the escalator. I took the escalator, but the wrong one. You see, it is not easy for a person of my calibre to focus at more than zero foci at the same time. I am miserably restless. I always forget about….well, i have forgotten about what I forget about, but it might just as well be exactly what I forget about! Hence, it may not be the most surprising of all surprises to acknowledge the fact that I had forgotten that the ‘upgoing’ elevator is in the completely opposite direction to where I was heading. But, the paradox is that, I was indeed heading towards a escalator. You might figure out, this escalator was a ‘downcoming’ one! I stepped onto it, and within a minute I ended up lower than I had started. I started on two legs, but I ended up on four and not all of them were legs, mind you! I saw people pass by me in the opposite direction, their lips twisted into a wry smile. So I did some brainstorming and I solved the riddle.

Till now, I am walking backwards on that damned escalator and I am only halfway through!

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay
Editor-in-chief
Antarctica Daily
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Flying without wings (in an Aeroplane)


Tom, Dick and Harry were flying in an Aeroplane. Then the wings fell off. Two minutes later the plane slammed onto the ground.
Flying without wings is impossible. Flying, without wings, in an Aeroplane is possible. Flying, without wings, in an Aeroplane without wings is again impossible. Hence, the plane had slammed onto the ground, exactly two minutes after the wings had fallen off. Now you will experience the last two minutes of the flight, in first person singular, as the narration of Tom, Dick and Harry, individually.
Tom: “I sat quietly by the window, doing nothing. I wanted to do something, but I could not. The vision, of mother Earth rising up towards our flight, was stupefying. It was so unnerving, that for the next one minute and fifty nine seconds, I could not fathom that it was our flight which was falling, and not the ground that was rising. In those long, painstaking, one hundred and nineteen seconds, I came up with multiple theories that will explain the levitation of the mother Earth. First, I assumed that I was witnessing the formation of a mountain. I knew, how the Himalayas rose out of the Tethys, so I could visualize the grounds rising. Also, I entertained the thought that my eyes were zooming in by a phenomenon, yet unknown to biologists. I soon got bored of my thoughts, as the will to jump off with a parachute consumed me. Hence, I tore away the life jacket which was supposed to be used for water landings and I ran ‘out’ of the cockpit to alert the cabin crew. Just as I got to my feet, one one nine seconds after the plane had started falling, I realized the plane had started falling one one nine seconds back. And then the plane slammed on to the ground. Oh! By the way, did I mention to you that I was the Captain of the Flight?”
Dick: “I am a Cabin Crew. I was waiting to be confirmed by the captain that the plane was falling, so that I could prepare the cabin for crash landing. But the captain never approached me. And I blissfully kept on believing that the plane was not falling, even though the blood curling shouts of the passengers indicated otherwise. In the last two minutes, I observed strange things, like the weighing machine showing reduced weight of whoever standing on it. The water and associated sewage was no more flowing down the emergency drain but rather floated uniformly in the engulfing premises of the lavatory, adding an essence of antigravity and an aroma of foul odors. Every single hair on every single head, stood high up appreciating the free fall of the aircraft. But, I corrected myself, the flight was not falling, because the captain had not said so. I kept on minding my own business, until I realized that I was seated high up in the sky, probably in heaven. I saw many passengers accompanying me. But I failed to locate the captain, Tom. He probably had continued the downward journey, arguably initiated by the flight, and by now, must have had joined the demon at the barbeque.”
Harry: “I swear the flight did not fall. In fact the flight was rising higher every moment. If you ask me, the flight should not have taken off that day. It was still under maintenance. The only reason that it did take off was that a bunch of foolish passengers had mistakenly boarded the flight, followed by a smaller bunch of foolish cabin crews and then a few foolish cockpit guys. The wings of the flight were still not fixed properly, so it is not surprising that those fell off in mid-air. The flight was cruising at thirty two thousand feet when the mishap happened. Luckily, I was not in the flight. I was the mechanic fixing the wings, I ‘was’ because I no more ‘am’, and I was still on the wings when the flight took off. I was unaware of that, as I was listening to music and continued disassembling the wings while the flight was in the air! When the wings were loosened enough, I fell with it, and while falling I saw the flight miraculously rise higher up in the air. By the time, the plane had crashed I was already in the immigration section of Heaven, wondering ‘How the Hell’ did I end up here?”
The interviews were taken by reporters from Antarctica Daily, post death at venues like hell and heaven!

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay
Editor-in-chief
Antarctica Daily

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BookWorms are Evolving into KindleWorms


30 February, 0156: Natural Selection as predicted by naturally selected Charles Darwin, grandfather of Charles Darwin, is indeed driving the caravan of evolution. With this discovery of evolution of bookworms, anthropologists have been mesmerised by this anthropogenic natural selection in which kindles have replaced books on our laps, followed by kindle worms evolving from bookworms, unfortunately, on our laps too! Today let us explore this marvellous change giving rise to the first ever Electronic Food Chain!

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These worms called KindleWorms are known to reside inside tablets and kindles, the costlier the better. From Amazon to Kindles to iPad Pro they are omnipresent! They enter the device through the headphone jacks or charging ports and cause havoc inside the device. They first digest the processor, followed by lunching on the RAMs and eating up the internal storage! So if you find your tablet slowing down or signs of storage running out, you know who to blame. They attack the display at last and when they do this is how it looks:

Click Here to Find Out

We will like to thank those people from ‘Staggering Beauty’ who have been successful in capturing one of such worms and uploading it onto the web! Hope you will enjoy playing with the worm!!!

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay
Editor-in-chief
Antarctica Daily

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How to Permanently stop BUFFERING?


30 February, 0145: On YouTube, we come across several videos about chemistry, many of which are about physical chemistry. Out of which, many deal with Equilibrium and out of them many deal with Ionic Equilibrium. If any one plans to be a successful chemist or murderer (as will be explained later) then it is of utmost importance that he understands the phenomenon of Buffering.

Buffer is a chemical solution like our blood which temporarily resists the change in pH. To stop the buffering action we can take the following steps:

  1. Not add the weak acid salt of a strong base to the weak acid.
  2. Not add the weak base salt of a strong acid to the weak base.

We can exploit the Henderson-Hasselbach Equation to further enhance the removal of the buffering action.

 

Henderson-Hasselbach Equation

This can immensely help chemist in understanding the chemistry of buffers.Also, it can help murderers in killing people as the human blood is a buffer and can resist the changes in pH. Therefore the slightest dose of a poison can kill the victim if  the buffering action is removed somehow. The people who would be helped the most are the Chemists who are also murderers!

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay
Editor-in-chief
Antarctica Daily
Website: Our Simple yet Elegant Website and Our Not So Simple Yet Elegant Website

P.S. The featured image of this post may not load, in that case the buffering symbol will be shown.

Mars turns Blue, after Casey Neistat Ends the Vlog


30 February, 0134: Why is Casey Neistat ending his daily vlogs? Answer is clearly stated in his “The Final Episode” here. Although his fans on Earth are quite shocked by the sudden decision, the Martians are having an even worse time.

Casey Neistat with His Weapon

Did you know why YouTube is Red? Because, half of its fan base is on mars. Although the scientists have not yet been able identify appreciable life form reigning the planet Mars, more than half of the YouTube traffic could be traced to the users in Mars. It turns out that, about 89 Million martians subscribed to Casey’s Channel (2 Million more than PewDiePie) on the YouTube Mars. It is clearly understandable from such huge figures that the Martians simply loved his daily Vlogs, which seemed to be a recreation for the martians out of their busy Marsly schedule.

 

Mars Turning Blue.

Our reporters have estimated that, all 89 Million Subscribers simultaneously started weeping a bluish fluid which has already flooded the entire planet and have changed the Red Planet into the Blue one (No Political Puns intended!).

The scientists have confirmed that this martian tear is habitable and the sudden flood will tremendously help mankind reach out and colonise Mars. The scientists started the new #thankyoucasey to Thank him for his immense contribution for us. Last but not the least, all of us from Antarctica Daily would like to thank Casey for his entertaining vlogs, exemplary personality and would be waiting for his future videos. 🙂

BTW, Just Search PewDiePie on Google! He underwent plastic surgery!

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay
Editor-in-chief
Antarctica Daily
Website: Our Simple yet Elegant Website

The Man who Survived ONE HOUR without WiFi !


30 February, 0116: It was a rainy day. And a holiday. Everyone were in their rooms, plugged to their phones while the phones themselves was plugged to the plug point. Everyone was silent. Their eyes flickering in the earnest wish of a notification. Their fingers scrolling in what seemed to be an endless search of unattainable happiness. Social network was pushing them apart while bringing them together. *RING*. A notification popped up on Crackerberg’s phone. “Open WiFi networks are available…” , it read. It took him some time to get the meaning of the heavy line that his phone has just dared to display. But then the thunderclap struck him. His apparently infinite scroll on Sweeter Timeline came to an end. He changed tabs. A Flesh book status update was necessary by now. It has been 153 seconds since he had posted last. He selected a coolfie (cool selfie) he had taken and clicked on upload. The swirling began in the middle of the screen. It swirled, and swirled, unless it almost became a whirlpool. And then he hit refresh. By now he had started sweating, the realization of what was happening was too horrifying to be true. The page was still refreshing. And then, YES  then, he saw it. Clear and Stark, the unavoidable, the unchangeable,  the inevitable, THE TRUTH, His WiFi was gone!

 

He could have switched on his mobile data immediately, but his account balance was sixty three less that sixty three. He was stuck. In this world full of inanimate people and abiotic trees, his only source of will power, the WiFi, was gone.

Anyone else could have died immediately. The absence of internet was as terrifying as a terrifyingly terrifying news could be. How he spent THE hour without WiFi, even he does not know. Spark Crackerberg, the man without WiFi was secluded. He was alienated suddenly from the entire world. Every two seconds he switched on and off his WiFi, scanned and searched but no, None of the open networks were working. It was just a false satisfaction that his phone had given him when it understood that his Router was dead.

“I was about to cry but I could not breathe. I asked God to take away water, food , oxygen if he wished, or even my life for that matter, but please not WiFi.”

It was then that the clock struck 4. One hour had passed, rather one year had passed! And then just as he was giving up all his hope, he saw, yes he again saw….. What he saw?

Well he saw the WiFi symbol spring back to life in the notification panel, tiny playful arrows indicating upload and download began their playful appearance and disappearance. God had listened. He was happy. He was alive! A flood of notification flooded him for the next fifteen minutes. Few of his colleagues had already posted “RIP Spark”, feeling 😦  sad with King Ape and 18 others at McDonald’s, Times Square. Sad Reactions were flooding the posts and most of the comments read, “RIP Bro, Get well soon”. Even Spark clicked on Sad Reaction and commented that he was still there amidst us but now he was The Man who Survived ONE HOUR without WiFi !

 

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay
Editor-in-chief
Antarctica Daily
Website: Pun Wit MeMe

SHARE YOUR STORIES, HERE.

 

 

How Cockroaches exploit WiFi?


30 February,0105: Is your data running out faster than your usage rate? Are cockroaches annoying you by getting smarter? Both these questions are basically the same question in disguise.

“If the answer is YES to both these and if it means what I think it means then you are in trouble, Big trouble and if your data is running our as I speak, then I am not taking any chances, you are doing just what the cockroaches ordered.”

-said by President of the Internet Mr Sam Wan, after asking the two questions in a press conference.

Cockroaches are using up your mobile data or your WiFi data in an ingenious way. We have no idea how(mechanism) they are doing it, but we do know HOW(procedure)?!

  1. Using Social Media like Facebook and Google+, they are creating fake accounts and deliberately sharing content stating that Cockroaches are beneficial to human health.
  2. Using Amazon and other similar websites they are ordering millions of bottles of cockroach spray and and destroying them upon delivery.
  3. Using websites like Zomato they are finding restaurants in neighbourhood and are attacking the kitchen.Using TripAdvisor they are planning their trip to visit different locations.
  4. Using Twitter they are following which celebrity is susceptible to cockroach fear and are blackmailing them to speak for the cockroaches.
  5. Using Stackexchange and other Q/A based websites like Quora and Yahoo answers they are giving a cockroachish touch to every question and doubts. These actions are playing an important role for inducing Cockroach Obsessive Behaviour(COB) in children.
  6. Using Wikipedia and StumbleUpon they are Stumbling upon different webpages which are improving their knowledge. They are also taking online courses from Coursera and edX and attending Tedx lessons.
  7. Using YouTube they are sharing Cockroach-phillic videos.
  8. Using Wix, Tumblr, Weebly they are creating websites and buying domains to make cockroachy websites.
  9. Using Google Drive and other  cloud storage websites they are uploading cockroach eggs for later download and 3D printing in other PCs.
  10. Using the medium of malware, worms, viruses, trojans they are spreading the cockroach culture all over the world.
  11. They are also signing petitions, forming intra and inter specific, generic, family, order,class,phylum and kingdom groups to enforce Cockroach rule all over the world.

PUT SIMPLY THE COCKROACH APOCALYPSE IS INEVITABLE.

FOR ANY MORE QUERIES, visit THIS WEBPAGE.

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay
Editor-in-chief
Antarctica Daily
Website: http://www.antarcticadaily.wix.com/punwitmeme

Spark Crackerberg introduces Likes for Likes on Fleshbook


30 February, 0081: From now on none of your likes will remain unseen as Spark Crackerberg, CEO ( Chief Environmental Officer) Fleshbook had introduced the concept of liking the likes!

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Now you can like a post and your post can be liked back by the poster, or an impostor or whoever turns out to be liking the fact that your liking the fact that  the poster had shared! In turn You can like back the like of the like for your like.

In a press conference on Free Acidics the Flesh Book owner and creator shared the fact that, Now the likes could be liked and in turn could be liked back, it can continue for ever, provided the people keep on liking each other.

Footballers have especially been thrilled by the new change in their new social media platform.

On asking Why? (Actually, Why the Hell? was asked) Cracker told that it will bring people closer and help us build a better world together with ever diminishing disliking and ignorance.

Cycles must have Seat Belts, warns Transport Corporation(TC)


30 February, 0067: The verdict has been passed. Anyone seen not wearing seatbelts on their cycles will be prosecuted.

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The Yellow Seat belts

With a phenomenal increase in the number of accidents in the last decade, the TC passed the basic safety law prohibiting use of helmets and promoting use of Sea Belts. From now on every cycle and bike would have their seats tied to the handles by plastic seat belts. This would not only ensure safety, but will also result in utter hindrance of cyclic enthusiasm in cyclists compelling them to either relocate slower than snail or abandon the very practice and helpful habit of cycling.

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay
Editor-in-chief
Antarctica Daily
Website: http://www.antarcticadaily.weebly.com

Mango tree mysteriously bears bitter gourds after local people forcibly cut away some of its branches


30 February, 0065: Nature has been angered and here are the consequences. No more mango its just bitter gourd.

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What it was...:-)

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What it is and would be....:-(

Last day a group of people from a Sri Lankan village cut the branches of a mango tree which was known to bear the sweetest mango ever and donated them to a group of scientist who offered to manipulate its genes and create more mango trees like that with the payment of a nominal fee. The mango tree clearly declared that cutting branches wasn’t a deal, but people didn’t care. Today morning just as everyone went to the tree to pluck a few fruits, they were socked to see that all the yellow, red mangoes have been replaced with green pale bitter gourds.
This news teaches us that, Greed is the end of all good.😰😥😰:(😱😨

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay
Editor-in-chief
Antarctica Daily
Website: http://www.antarcticadaily.weebly.com