Mosquito Magnets replace Repellents

23 April 2018

Mosquitoes and our toes are still a better love story than, never mind. Everytime you look down, provided you are standing upright, you will find a mosquito on your foot. They are always present. Even when we repel them, they come back. Hence, astronomers have finally come up with a new solution. They have created a mosquito magnet! Why the astronomers got involved in such an endeavour is unknown, but what we do know is that this Mosquito Magnet is basically a Mosquito Repellant which, like others, is so bad at its job, that it attracts other mosquitoes to enjoy the cozy interiors of your room. In fact, the actual plan is to attract every single mosquito in the locality, lock them in your room and get the hell out of there to enjoy the mosquito free neighborhood. This way you will not only get to interact with nature, but also will be able to do so without a single blood suck from a mosquito.

This new news encourages us to embrace our failures and convert them into successes!

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay

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These Mutant Mosquitoes can Open your Windows and Fly in

30 February, 0160: Earlier, closing the windows would have kept the mosquitoes out. But nowadays, you need to lock them up meticulously, to ensure the hindrance to the energetic entrance of the mighty mosquitoes into your room. And, believe me, it sucks, literally. And all this has happened because of a crazy gang of scientist who somehow locked themselves inside a lab and to get the hell out of there, they invented, rather mutated, mosquitoes and enabled them to open the gates. Those gates, which had locked them inside the engulfing premises of the laboratory were actually secured by a combination lock. The scientist tried their level best, but performed beyond their level worst in opening the combination lock and ended up feeling stranded in their own comfort zone.

Hence, they brought out GASERs, Gamma-ray-Amplification-by-Stimulated-Emission-of-Radiation and randomly shot gamma ray bursts in arbitrary direction. One such ray hit a mosquito which has hanging out inside the lab with its friends. It immediately underwent Neo-darwinian saltatory mutation resulting in supreme computational and combinatorial abilities of its brain. Although, the effect was not observable immediately, within a few moments the scientist found the area vector of the opening of their wide open mouths antiparallel to the area vector of the door (when the door frame is observed counterclockwise). In other words, the locked door, was so no more! They could finally leave their labs!

Meanwhile, the mosquito which had opened the door, flew out into wilderness. There it mated successfully with what turned out to be, an obscenely offensive number of mates. Within weeks, millions of mutated mosquitoes were flying around the world. Since, the mutation turned out to be autosomal dominant, every mosquito in the family line could successfully flaunt their mathematical skills.

Millions of houses, across the world, which had windows and doors closed for mosquitoes, began to be broken into by them. The intelligent ones, who had secured the doors and windows using a combination lock, were wiser neither. But only legends, locked their windows and doors with conventional locks. Only these people were the ones, who remained untouched and unsucked upon by the mosquitoes.

That’s why we advise you, do not just close the windows, LOCK THEM (WITH CONVENTIONAL LOCKS).

🙂

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay

Editor-in-chief

Antarctica Daily

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Mosquito Murder Saga

Warning: This chapter contains a lot of violence and gruesome details of blood spilled during murders of guilty mosquitoes. If you are, once were, or will be a mosquito or you support mosquito breeding and you are against spilling the blood of mosquitoes, which, by the way, they had once sucked from you, then you should not continue reading this chapter. The author and the publisher is not responsible for any mental trauma that you might suffer from for ignoring this warning.
From a distance it looks like a clap. From proximity, it sounds like a slap. But in reality, it is a murder.
I will narrate the story of Taylor, which could be the name of a woman (e.g., Taylor Swift) or the surname of a man (e.g., Ross Taylor), but since it could also possibly be the surname of a woman (e.g., Sarah Taylor), I will use the pronoun ‘she’ to address ‘her’, although I do not deny ‘he’ would have fitted the murderous profile of the individual quite well, perhaps better!
She was a pathologist at the Hospital affiliated to the University of MosQuito, which was the leading educational institution in the city of Quito, the capital of Ecuador which is close to the Equator. She used to continuously draw blood for a living, which she used to analyze to ensure her patients continued living. But she faced tough competition from the inhabitant mosquitoes which sucked up more blood than she could draw in as many as ten blood tests.
Most of her patients came to her, having negative blood volumes and so skinny that their skin was all covered by their bones! The mosquitoes soon improved their techniques to suck blood and set up concentration camps all throughout the city, where they concentrated the blood, unwillingly donated by several citizens and then ingested them with pleasure. In return, the mosquitoes gifted the humans with pathogenic strains of deadly viruses and protozoans like Zika Virus and malaria causing Plasmodium vivax. The patients were falling ill faster than Taylor could diagnose them. Often, the lines outside her clinic were so long, that the mosquitoes would set up mobile, temporary, concentration camps alongside the file of people! Taylor did not exactly dislike this. Since her clinic was a monopoly in the city, her wealth was exponentially growing as the health of the pubic was exponentially degrading. Also with diminishing blood volumes, she had to work less as instead of a test tube full of blood, the patients could yield only one third of a hundredth of a drop of blood, that too after forcibly stimulated hematopoiesis.
But the mosquitoes, hated the fact that Taylor was swelling with money, thanks to their efforts. So they stopped spreading diseases. Now, the people avoided the vicinity of clinic, as no one wanted to test their negligible blood volumes when their health was not degrading any further. Taylor started to lose her patients. Soon, the only way she could earn money was by analyzing her own blood, but it did not help as she was the one who was paying the bills to herself!
So she decided to take immediate action by eliminating the mosquitoes from Quito. Her decision was so bold that she clapped to herself, thinking of the consequences. And while clapping she killed a mosquito, purposefully by mistake. She was elated. She clapped with greater frequency, and killed a few more of the arthropods. She was enjoying the aesthetic pleasure, in staining her hands with blood from the squashed mosquitoes. She clapped even more and killed even more. She experienced bliss and continued clapping faster and harder. Now she was killing a dozen mosquito with each square millimeter of her palm, per clap. Ecstatic, she continued clapping with ever increasing intensity, till she had killed every single mosquito of Quito. Murdering the mosquitoes, she realized, was more satisfying than murdering people. Hence she gave up her job as a pathologist and started to travel the world, clapping and killing. While she was cruising in a submarine, through the mainland of India, she discovered a better substitute to clapping. Slapping, it was. Mosquitoes in the Eastern World, it seemed, were fond of residing on the cheeks of people. Hence she started to indiscriminately slap anyone and everyone, who stood with a mosquito on their face. She travelled the other half of the world, slapping with glory and returned to Quito to find that, mosquitoes have repopulated the city. She decided to rejoin her old job. But she was surprised to find out that now, the same old mosquitoes, whose ancestors she had murdered, and who, she did not murder, for they were still larvae, have become the new head of the department of the pathology in the University of MosQuito. Instead of spreading diseases, now they performed blood test by carefully sucking out blood, in the same old way, testing it and then feeding on it. The Education and Health Ministers were also happy, as they did not have to pay them extra salary, as they were happy with the blood they were getting as food! This broke Taylor’s heart and she opened up another blood testing clinic to compete with the mosquitoes.
Till today, however, she waits to receive her first patient, as every person in Quito have realized, that it is better to be bitten by a mosquito for free than be pierced by a syringe, provided they both serve the same purpose!

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay
Editor-in-chief
Antarctica Daily

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Hospitals will use Mosquitoes to Collect BLOOD

30 February, 0143: We are all afraid of syringes and needles and injections, and even more scared of modernised draculas i.e. doctors, who draw blood in syringes! But all this is about to come to an end. Mosquitoes are set to replace the injections at your clinic.

Mosquitoes in Action

Recently we came to know that Blood-Tasting Draculas are safer than Blood-Testing Clinics but now we all have been surprised by the latest development in the science of pathology. It states that natural ectoparasites like mosquitoes can, in fact, more efficiently draw blood from humans. In a study named, “Proboscis or Syringe” it was found out that most people around the world voted the mosquito method of blood collection to be less scarier.

Genetic Engineers are in a mission to make the Mosquitoes sign a deal that they would no longer inject germs into human beings and would instead receive a monthly payment of 10% of the blood drawn. MAD (Mosquito Agency of Delhi) have already agreed to the deal and have promised that they would start their new job from the next month.

So from May, if you ever visit a clinic for blood sampling, a doctor would no longer pierce you with a killer syringe but would rather deploy an army of mosquitoes!

How it will look?

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay
Editor-in-chief
Antarctica Daily
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