Everyday while returning from work, he saw a small shop at the Southern corner of the 5th block in St Peter’s Avenue. The small shop had no shopkeeper. It did not sell any goods. It was just an air conditioned cubicle with a modular kitchen setup. On the dilapidated banner hanging right above the transparent glass door, was written in algerian font, “For Sale”. The only thing that bothered him about this setup was the presence of juicy meat sizzling upon the Induction oven.
He had recently moved to a new unfurnished flat following an appreciable hike in his salary. He wouldn’t have denied, had you asked him then, his temptation to buy that specific kitchen set-up and install it in his new home. The next day, driven by his new desire, he stopped in front of that cubicle shop. No one was inside. He pushed open the door. The delicious sizzle greeted him, along with the aroma of well cooked meat. He walked into the shop.
Inside, all was silent, except the sizzle. The din of traffic was restricted on the other side of the glass door which sealed shut as soon as he walked in, to ensure that the conditioned air did not leave the confinements of the shop.
But a shock greeted him as soon as he turned back. Through the transparent doors all he could see, was not the bustling traffic of the street beyond but instead, was a reflection of him. Clearly, the door was photochromatic. Light traversed out but not in. Being claustrophobic, his breath rate and pulse quickened. Sweats popped up disobeying the air conditioner. He began to look around.
He stared into the sizzling dish resting upon the induction oven. His gaze got fixed. Along with some juicy pieces of meat, was an artefact that exponentiated his fear. It was an ear. A human ear.
Suddenly, the lights went off. A sharp blow. The end.
Who knows who will be tempted in tomorrow by the visual aroma of his sizzling flesh cooking upon the induction oven of a modular kitchen setup, because by tonight the flesh that had attracted him in would already be eaten.
It was a bright sunny night. The birds were barking merrily, the dogs were chirping viciously and the elephants were either invisible or absent. I was sitting quietly. No, I haven’t missed the letter ‘h’. My knife was there with me. We were contemplating a murder. A hideous, bloody and reprehensible murder that neither me or my knife were proud of. But that did not stop us. Our imagination flew higher. Higher than the depths of the oceans and with every passing second, it went further away. Further away from the reality, it went. Then came the moment. It went so far away that we lost sight of it and forgot about it. My knife tried to remind me but it could not remember what to remind. I remembered, but only to forget it. Both of us were angry. We may not communicate verbally, but my knife and myself have a rapport, envied by many. We communicated our anger by slicing open an orange apple and, what many might call, an orange, but we call it, the apple orange, only to preserve the symmetry of nature and not as an endorsement for the tech giant. I raised the knife high up in the air as a part of a ritual that we often do together. The knife corresponded and sliced away the air, all by itself, as it rose higher. It was then that I realised, that the amazon delivery guy was standing at my doorstep, knocking on my door suggestively. The gentle knocks turned objectionable and then violent, as I restrained from opening the door for no appreciable reason whatsoever. In a moment of whim, I threw the knife directly at the door and the Delivery Guy who was already inside my home, which he was from the beginning and was only knocking to get out, ducked, and the knife went right through the door. Inspired by it, the delivery guy left too. What did not leave, was that packet, which was meant to be delivered. I walked towards it, picked it up, unwrapped it, popped half of the bubble wrap, made paper balls with the wrapping and attempted to kick them away, missed, fell, got injured, went to hospital, came back and then approached the final wrappings of the package. As soon as I completely denuded the true contents of the package, I saw it. My knife. Glistening under the moonlight. I stared upwards and realised that daytime had already arrived, completely oblivious of the fact that the ceiling of my room was either invisible or absent!
A wise man once said, “Never take everything literally, or you will literally be in great trouble!”
The newest addition to IDIOT (International Detective Institution for Obnoxious Tasks) is a man so well versed in literature, that he has started to take every single word literally.
Lately, we have been plagued by a murderer who has broken many hearts by failing to murder the worst murderer in the world, himself, by failing to commit suicide by holding his breath. He live streamed his breath holding video on Fleshbook, and after a breathtaking hour later, the billions of audiences realised that all this time he was breathing through his mouth.
Someone in IDIOT must have mentioned about the need to get hold of this murderer and since then the literally new detective, who was very literal, had caught on to two phrases, “catch red handed” and the “man who broke many hearts”.
He browsed the list for reknowned cardiologists and cardiothoracic surgeons, the literal heart breakers, who work in the nearby hospitals, and chose Dr Redhand as his target.
Next day, just as Dr Redhand, got his gloves covered in blood while trying to graft Left Internal Mammary Artery for a Coronary Bypass Surgery, the Literal Detective entered the OT and caught red-handed Dr Redhand, red handed!
Despite the arrest, the doctor has been freed of all the charges and instead the detective is serving, one quintillion years of jail!
30 February, 0145: On YouTube, we come across several videos about chemistry, many of which are about physical chemistry. Out of which, many deal with Equilibrium and out of them many deal with Ionic Equilibrium. If any one plans to be a successful chemist or murderer (as will be explained later) then it is of utmost importance that he understands the phenomenon of Buffering.
Buffer is a chemical solution like our blood which temporarily resists the change in pH. To stop the buffering action we can take the following steps:
Not add the weak acid salt of a strong base to the weak acid.
Not add the weak base salt of a strong acid to the weak base.
We can exploit the Henderson-Hasselbach Equation to further enhance the removal of the buffering action.
This can immensely help chemist in understanding the chemistry of buffers.Also, it can help murderers in killing people as the human blood is a buffer and can resist the changes in pH. Therefore the slightest dose of a poison can kill the victim if the buffering action is removed somehow. The people who would be helped the most are the Chemists who are also murderers!
30 February, 0141: We should be self sufficient in our lives. However, self-sufficiency was precisely what was not exemplified by the Contract Killers, here in Antarctica.
There are three most wanted most gruesome most famous Contract Killers named Alpha, Beta and Gamma. Now last month, Gamma had surreptitiously overtaken Alpha in the number of murders. So as usual, Alpha was indignant. Now Alpha decided to kill Gamma, which would not only add to his own tally but would also put an end to Gamma’s Tally. However, he knew that murder, unlike mercy, could not be twice blessed, and hence he contractually hired Beta to Kill Gamma. Beta however was behind both Alpha and Gamma in number of murders. The fact that, Alpha has to Supply him with murder contracts, hit his self ego. So Beta hired Gamma to murder Alpha. But Gamma was afraid Beta will take the credit of the murder after Alpha has been murdered. To prevent this from happening, he hired up Alpha to kill Beta. If Gamma then kills Alpha, he will be the only one left.
All three of them had now hired the other to kill the third and planned that the murder will take place exactly at south pole.
At the appointed time all three of them appeared at South pole with Guns. Everyone thought that the other will kill the third and as soon as the third is killed, he will kill the other. Now all three stood in the vertices of a perfectly equilateral triangle. Alpha started moving towards Beta and Beta started moving towards Gamma and Gamma started moving towards Alpha. Everyone thought that the third one was being overly dramatic. As a result of their movement their trajectory was like:
All the three kept on moving expecting the third to stop and the murder to begin. But none stopped, as all three thought the same. They approached the center and their heads collided and they fell on the ground.
Suddenly Delta (The fourth best Contract killer) suddenly came from somewhere and killed all three, thus becoming the Greatest Contract Killer of Antarctica not being contractually killed by a contract killer who was hired by another contract killer. He was later captured by Antarctic Police and awarded 100000000000000000000000000 Antarctic Nachos (our currency) for killing other killers.
30 February, 0122: Desperate times call for desperate measures. Last Night when the Hospital of Eastern Land Patients (HELP) caught fire, it was theoretically impossible to evacuate the patients from their life support system in the ICUs. An intelligent Doctor, namely, Dr Murderer thought of an ingenious plan and ordered a ton of Less Chips Chilli flavoured from the nearest medical store.
On asking Dr Murderer, “Why on Earth was a medical store having Less Chips?”, he has answered, “It was on Earth as on any other planet life is not yet discovered!”
As the fire cut out the electric supply and burnt all the oxygen which, turned out to be highly combustible, the patients in highly critical condition had trouble breathing. So the doctor opened one packet of chips which was 99.96% air (Nitrogen) and allowed the patient to breathe from the packet.
This act of ingenuousness saved 182 lives and also confirmed that Nitrogen could also be used as a supplement for Oxygen and hence should no longer be called Pnictogen!
PS: The Less Chips is a fictional brand and any resemblance with real world brand is Highly Unintentional…