Bug off, CSS! (feat. PHP, MySQL and JS)

30 February, 0174: Some programmers will agree that CSS is the most bugging language ever. We often find ourselves bugged up while trying to debug CSS. Yesterday CSS bugged me up big time and it is then that I realised that,

Bugs may come,
And Bugs may Go,
but CSS stays Bugged Forever!

 

Weird, yet true. It just beautifies a markup language. It has no variables, no yearnings for the unattainable, has very few conditional statements, yet still it manages to end up performing disfiguring plastic surgery upon the face of our website.

Honestly, it takes 25% of our time to build the framework of our website. Another 5% to add the essential components. And the remaining 70% is spent to find that forgotten god-damned semicolon messing up our PHP, that god-forsaken typo guiding MySQL to disconnect our DB and that satan-kissed forgotten closing-brace mixing up all our JS functions.

And then 200% of the spent time is re-spent, because we can’t find that devilishly tomfoolish div element, which is adding a horribly terrible margin-right to our content.

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay

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Mosquito Magnets replace Repellents

23 April 2018

Mosquitoes and our toes are still a better love story than, never mind. Everytime you look down, provided you are standing upright, you will find a mosquito on your foot. They are always present. Even when we repel them, they come back. Hence, astronomers have finally come up with a new solution. They have created a mosquito magnet! Why the astronomers got involved in such an endeavour is unknown, but what we do know is that this Mosquito Magnet is basically a Mosquito Repellant which, like others, is so bad at its job, that it attracts other mosquitoes to enjoy the cozy interiors of your room. In fact, the actual plan is to attract every single mosquito in the locality, lock them in your room and get the hell out of there to enjoy the mosquito free neighborhood. This way you will not only get to interact with nature, but also will be able to do so without a single blood suck from a mosquito.

This new news encourages us to embrace our failures and convert them into successes!

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay

How to cook in your Stomach?

22 April 2018

We are busy. We are so busy that it is now easy to forget to eat and end up with a zero figure. A man named Aman from India, once spent 6 months without eating because he was too busy completing his assignments for the semester. To avoid such disasters, scientists have listed out methods that can be used to cook the food spontaneously in our stomach when we eat it. The steps to do it are as follows: (Be careful, you should not attempt to do any of these if you are a human being. These methods have been tested on Aliens and only the beta versions are available for humans which might have bugs.)

  • If you like cakes and pastries then install a software called CookAnywhere in your spinal cord. This will help you to transfer the food you eat to an oven server, cook it and return back the cooked food for you to digest.
  • Eating the ingredients separately is another way to reduce time consumption for food consumption. Throw in all the ingredients into your mouth as all of them are destined to enter and exit the same pathway and their order, as a nihilist might agree, is unimportant.
  • Use the vibration mode of your smartphones. After eating the raw ingredients, use the mobile phones to vibrate your abdomen and as a result, cook the food using the energy from the vibration.
  • Eat a few teeth to chew better in your stomach. You can digest improperly cooked items easily if you do this.
  • Build a modular kitchen in your stomach. That way you can hire a chef who will prepare awesome food right in your stomach. Allow the air from the chimney to exit through your nasopharynx, so as to enjoy the smell while the food gets cooked.

As we have said before, all these methods are still accompanied with a serious life risk for the owner of the stomach. Please do not act on impulse and adopt the aforementioned strategies without discussing the outcomes with a doctor.

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay

Boring-737 Arrives before Departure

18 April 2018

The passengers were stunned. They had just heard the boarding announcement. And now they were at their destination. In fact, the announcement, as their wrist watches told them, was few minutes in the future!

They had no idea what had happened. But the Pilot knew, so did the Cabin Crew, who were the minor few, who had set the time askew. They had hacked up the time, and commited a crime, added petrol to lime, and acted like a mime. They knew all the danger that hung around each passenger, but they were hired by a ranger, who was totally a stranger.

This stranger ranger had asked them to add the lime to petrol and fly the plane at a speed faster than that of light. This compelled them to travel back in time. And ultimately, they landed before they took off. Then the pilots and crew flew back and travelled further back in time and cancelled the flight. Hence, the passengers had literally paid for the ticket without even travelling.

This fuelled up a few debates. Firstly the legal scenario was debated. Secondly, the physical impossibility was emphasized. Ultimately, the quote about the queerness of reality was considered the winner. and everybody was satisfied by the result yesterday, although the debates were organised tomorrow!

Please Share This. This might save someone’s time!

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay

10 Ways for Pay Raise

17 April 2018

We know you wanna know. So we’ll get straight to the subject matter. Follow what follows and you will be earning more, VERY SOON:

  • Be the Boss: And then negotiate your own salary with yourself and arrive at a hefty sum. Then pledge to donate 1% to needy charities and close the deal.
  • Learn to Oil: Olive, Mustard, Vegetable, Mineral, does not matter. Oiling is oiling.
  • Blackmail: Send black coloured mails to your boss with letters about how would applaud a pay raise. The black colour will draw the attention.
  • Never say Never: That way you can never deny a pay raise offer.
  • Speak in Victorian English: Use long sentences and  weird punctuations to make your pay raise plea speech weirder and hence, persuasive.
  • Accept that Money can’t buy Happiness: That way you won’t care even if you don’t get a pay raise.
  • Buy Happiness with Money: With your existing money, buy some happiness, like some ice cream, pizza and appreciate how much happiness your present income can give you.
  • Stop reading articles like these: The more self-help articles you read, the weaker you become. Instead, start blogging about your present and monetize your blog.
  • Read Antarctica DailyLaughter is the best medicine. This won’t add a digit to your bank balance but might add one to the life expectancy!
  • Re-read Antarctica DailySmiling and reading Antarctica Daily makes you live longer. The longer you live, the more time you have. Time is money. The more the time, the more the money. You’ll be richer!

Please Share This. This might make someone rich!

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay

Top 10 Weirdest Diseases a Blogger might Suffer from

15 April 2018

Today is a sad day for the bloggers community. Scientists from around the globe have confirmed the possibility of suffering from each of the following diseases, provided you blog regularly! Vloggers however, are not to be included, since, they have classified under different taxon by the Committee of Underemployed Rational Scientists and Entrepreneurs (CURSE). The 10 weird diseases are as follows:

  1. Neobloggism: The irresistible urge to start a new blog despite having a successful blog at present.
  2. Hypofollowiphobia: The fear of having less number of followers on your blog.
  3. Bulla Shittus: The tendency to write useless made up stuff in your blog, only for the purpose of flaunting your literary skills.
  4. Neglecta Syndrome: The unconquerable craving to neglect your daily life and blog when you are not blogging and to dream of living your life, when you finally start blogging.
  5. Blogger’s Tetrad: The hysteric will to promote about your blog on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Whatsapp.
  6. Congenital Tagisia: The loss of decision-making capabilities while choosing the tags for your latest blog post.
  7. Acute Publishit Disorder: The unavoidable voices inside your head that ask you to revise your post once more before publishing it.
  8. Hypercustomania: The maniac customizations of your blog theme, without which your blog would have looked just fine.
  9. WordPressbiopia: The bias towards publishing on WordPress rather than other blogging websites like Blogger.
  10. Pseudoantarcticitis: The inability to decide whether to believe the articles published on Antarctica Daily or not.

Please Share This. It might save a life!

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay

10 ways to Show off that You Show off

14 April 2018

To show off is not a sin. To show off that you show off, is not one either. So, why not do it?

  1. Buy a House, live on the street, tell people that you live in your other house and this is your vacation home.
  2. Write a useless book, sell it on amazon with a fake account and give an awesome review to yourself from your real account. Then post it on Facebook and claim that you are an author.
  3. Adopt a foreign accent. preferably French. If you are French, adopt Russian.
  4. Eat an apple everyday and claim that you are a die hard Apple fan.
  5. Walk into a store, talk into your phone loudly. Discuss about your bank details of swiss bank while on the call.
  6. Travel from New York to LA in a flight that goes Eastwards and claim that you have travelled the whole world.
  7. Do anything in life and then point out that precisely doing this was specifically your dream in life.
  8. Point to a random person in the Subway and say that you forgot to bring your pen and would give the autograph on his/her shirt the next day.
  9. Buy a movie ticket and two mars chocolates and say that you have “a ticket two mars”. Never write this on a poster however, this is only to be said.
  10. Call customer care and curse them for horrible VIP services.

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay

A Sarcastic Saturday Post