This School Teaches you to Swim in Air


30 February, 0158: Despite being three dimensional beings, humans are always confined on the two dimensional ground, because of a force called gravity. Poets across centuries have hoped to grow wings, so that they can fly away and escape into the third spatial dimension, but much to their disgust they all were born with nonsensical hands. Common people when frustrated with their life have found it to be exhilaratingly satisfying to state that they will fly away if certain demands of theirs are not met. Having stated that, it is not difficult for a person who is well grounded in reality to appreciate the fact that the ability to fly, will affect the human society with a lot of unforeseeable consequences.

Just when people were beginning to wonder about flying without a machine,

a Woman was beginning to wander about, flying without a machine!

She requested us not to disclose her identity saying that, “Do not tell anyone that my Name is Dr Albatross Flight and I am about to inaugurate an Air Swimming School that will teach the students to fly! However, through the columns of your esteemed newspaper please advertise about this new school.”

200_s

Even Animals Can Join

We immediately visited the school to find about the courses in Air Swimming School (ASS). The journalist whom we had sent, learnt the skill successfully with flying colors, came back flying, with the reports. The courses encompass a wide range of strokes by which human beings can literally swim in air and figuratively FLY! However, flying costume is mandatory and so is signing a deal saying that, ‘I will not pollute the AirSpace I’m flying in’, to enroll into the course.

x846-pool1copy-pagespeed-ic-0butqmwpex

This is how the first lesson begins!

People from all over the world have already started flying in the air, and as a result drone sales have plummeted down faster that the ones who forget the strokes in mid air! She-Who-Should-Not-Be-Named has clearly done a tremendous job and we hope that people will use this newly learned skill for the benefit of mankind (although we must admit that, that is HIGHLY unlikely! )

🙂

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay
Editor-in-chief
Antarctica Daily

GET CONNECTED 

Advertisements

This Math problem has stumped even the Legendary Cricketers


30 February, 0157: Never in a million years did anybody come up with the solution to the question posed by the world-famous mathematician and spare-time-wicketkeeper Dr Partial Derivative, not exactly because the problem was too difficult, but more so because, a million years have not yet evolved ever since he did pose the problem! This problem is not invented by him and his browser history says that he simply had fished it off Google.

Kids don’t understand this problem,
Men can’t solve this problem but
Legends always give up whatever they are doing and attempt to try to endeavour to seek to strive to solve this problem.

And such legendary cricketers are the ones who are affected the worst! Dr P Derivative, as mentioned above is a wicket keeper of a charity cricket team which plays cricket matches with World’s Legendary XI (a dynamic cricket team consisting of the best cricket players to ever play cricket!) to raise money for raising money! Whenever his cricket team is about to lose a match and he is wicket keeping, he shouts out the problem from behind the batsman. Being legends, they immediately start solving the problem. The bowler bowls and with the batsman busy, the keeper stumps forcing the umpire to raise a finger high up in the air, which if had been the neighboring finger, could have landed him in trouble! However, it was the math problem which basically did the stumping!

Experts say that the math problem is actually not a problem at all but rather the description of the Lagrangian of the Standard Model. It is so long and dense with mathematical symbols that it takes the legends forever to understand why on Earth, or for that matter, in the Universe would the wicket keeper shout out such a elemental historical fundamental physical mathematical factual real description to them at the middle of the match, and ask them to solve it and in the meantime the wicket keeper Dr PD would have already stumped them out!

main-qimg-fd3dcdfe0f1d8961ea34efe8fd18a88e

🙂

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay
Editor-in-chief
Antarctica Daily

GET CONNECTED 

BookWorms are Evolving into KindleWorms


30 February, 0156: Natural Selection as predicted by naturally selected Charles Darwin, grandfather of Charles Darwin, is indeed driving the caravan of evolution. With this discovery of evolution of bookworms, anthropologists have been mesmerised by this anthropogenic natural selection in which kindles have replaced books on our laps, followed by kindle worms evolving from bookworms, unfortunately, on our laps too! Today let us explore this marvellous change giving rise to the first ever Electronic Food Chain!

ver-2400px

These worms called KindleWorms are known to reside inside tablets and kindles, the costlier the better. From Amazon to Kindles to iPad Pro they are omnipresent! They enter the device through the headphone jacks or charging ports and cause havoc inside the device. They first digest the processor, followed by lunching on the RAMs and eating up the internal storage! So if you find your tablet slowing down or signs of storage running out, you know who to blame. They attack the display at last and when they do this is how it looks:

Click Here to Find Out

We will like to thank those people from ‘Staggering Beauty’ who have been successful in capturing one of such worms and uploading it onto the web! Hope you will enjoy playing with the worm!!!

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay
Editor-in-chief
Antarctica Daily

GET CONNECTED 

10 Most Amazing Planets found in our Universe!


30 February, 0155: Scientists believe that our Universe was born in a cataclysmic explosion called Big Bang about 13.7 Billion Years ago. On this playground termed the Universe, Stars have taken birth in Star Hospitals and Nursing Homes called nebulae and has given birth in turn to the planets. Today, we explore the amazing world of otherworldly worlds out of our own world. Here are the top ten Most Amazing Planets found in our Universe:

  1. HD11fuNny0o: As awkward as the name sounds, this planet is the best place to kick off our discussion. Born during a galactic plague this congenitally mutated planet is strangely indecisive in its orbits and is known over the Universe for its rectangular orbits around its star! It has clear cut season demarcation, which changes while the planet goes past the sharp orbit edges. It does not rotate on axis although it simple harmonically oscillates about its axis whenever it feels like.
    1.png

    HD11fuNny0o is a Very Shy Planet!

  2. Soccer: This planet totally abides by its name, although not much is known about it, scientists have observed that this planet looks totally like a football. Also, the planetary design is exactly like the 2010 World Cup football Jabulani!
    2.jpeg

    Waka Waka…

  3. Geminalplanet: This planet, rather these planets are not a single planet and rather a planetary system. Gemini means twins in latin, but these planets are a whole family of unplanned children of a star all orbiting in the same orbit! So from far away, it seems the planets are stationary, as they are attached equator to equator! Some people have nicknamed it as pearl necklace! Also the planets radiate some otherworldly glow!
    3.png

    The Star it orbits is totally leading a #thug_life

  4. BlackHole#231: This planet is a black hole, no one knows how or why?
    4.jpg

    This is the Only Picture we have of the planet!

  5. Mooney: This planet has a moon bigger than itself and is continuously blackmailed by its moon to step down from the orbit and handover the orbital duties to the moon itself and survive as its satellite! A case has already been filed in the court of Intergalactic Justice against the moon for the use of dark energy to persuade the planet. Also, our reporters have obtained clues indicating use of illegal dark matter to bribe the poor planet.
    5.jpg

    The Homeland of Universal Crimes!

  6. Cube: This planet is an odd one, although it is an even position number on the list. This planet is Cubical. Exactly Cubical! It also has a cubical moon.
    6.jpg

    Asteroid Collision is supposed to have given them their shape!

  7. AC$@%&: This planet is entirely air conditioned, which can be controlled at the will of anyone living on this planet. The temperature can range from blazing 3,000,000 Kelvins to freezing 3 Kelvins. Amazingly, we have been receiving continuous radio transmission of profanity from this planet which is why the signs and symbols are included in its name.
    7.jpg

    Parental Guidance: STRONG LANGUAGE DETECTED!

  8. Starry: This exoplanet is a star ! The only reason we consider it as a planet is the fact that, on the birth certificate it was mentioned to be a planet. It added a crust on its surface to disguise itself as a planet from the POLICE (Planetary Officers Loving to Inexplicably Chase Exoplanets).
    8.jpg

    This Stary Exoplanet is closer than other Planets of the star!

  9. Bounce3D: This planet was featured as the famous ball in the epic Bounce 3D game!
    9.png

    Bound to make you nostalgic!

  10. Earth: This planet has individuals who are capable of researching, writing and reading about the planets, including itself, we have just read about!
    10.jpg

    This one gives us Chills!!! (in winter)

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay
Editor-in-chief
Antarctica Daily

GET CONNECTED 

Archaeologist finds Blue Whale on the top of Mount Everest


30 February, 0154: Mount Everest is always on the headlines. Either it is spewing out lava and getting confirmed as a volcano, or else an archaeologist is finding a blue whale on its pinnacle.

everest.jpg

Proof of both Blue Whale and Volcanic Activity on Mount Everest!

Archaeologist Dr Dino Sir was actually a jobless unemployed spare time mountain climber, who climbed Mount Everest for publicity stunt in an attempt to make ends meet. But hardly did he know when he was in Base Camp 1, that within the next few hours he will become a world renowned celebrity.

Yesterday at about 1:00 PM in the noon he topped the Everest. But as soon as he was going to shoot a selfie (or rather coolfie) in his new oversmartphone, he tripped and fell. And what a fall it was! He came rolling down the Everest faster than speed of light. When he reached the bottom, about one millisecond later, he was 24 years younger, due to relativistic effects! He was utterly miserable for failing to take the selfie. But a surprise awaited him when he checked out the storage of his oversmartphone. He somehow managed to take 1,234,567,890 continuous pictures within the 1 millisecond he took to fall and the first million or so of the pictures starkly revealed what he had tripped on. For a second he was stunned. But then he was busy, busy uploading the pics on every social media. What he found was a Blue Whale on Everest! He wasn’t sure whether it was a whale just blue in colour, maybe because it supported chelsea, or really a blue whale, but either way he didn’t really care, for after all he wasn’t a zoologist, he was an archaeologist!

He was so startled by his discovery that he scaled and descended the entire Everest 5 times within 5 minutes shouting out Eureka continuously!

No one knows how it ended up there? Some say, it was left there during the filming of the film 2012!

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay
Editor-in-chief
Antarctica Daily

GET CONNECTED 

Doctor breaks all 206 bones of patient while sneezing during surgery


30 February, 0153: “Who can say for sure? Perhaps a frontal lobotomy would be the answer!”, said the doctor,before adding, “If science can operate on this distorted brain and put it into good use, Society would reap a great benefit!” Although, the doc said all this with an air of confidence, one hour later he tragically confirmed to the world that it was himself and not the patient who had the distorted brain!

Sneezing is good. It helps us get rid of intruders in our nasal cavity. In fact, sneezing has been regarded as a heroic act by several ancient civilizations. Often, we have observed, great empires being thrown over and newer empires being established only because the latter sneezed with more perfection! From establishing domination to ensuring victories in battles, a mighty sneeze is indeed what brave human beings look forward to!

But who knew that such a noble task such as sneezing could break hearts of so many people and what’s worse, break so many bones, in fact all, of one person. It was three days before the day after tomorrow, that is, yesterday that the doctor was attempting to attempt a frontal lobotomy, which is a pretty illegal surgery nowadays, on a 123.456 years old, rather young, as he likes to call himself, man, who had apparently been suffering from tweet syndrome, in which, one person can not refrain himself from tweeting meaningless tweets, often incomplete with invented words, especially at the middle of the night!

More Halloween Clip Art Illustrations at http://www.ClipartOf.com

Ssup Bro! How’s life?

The surgery began pretty well, with the doc making ostentatious hand movements which dazzled the innocent interns who were either presently absent or absent-mindedly present there. Unnoticed by everybody, a vicious mosquito was advancing towards the engulfing premises of the doctor’s nasal cavity. With one last flutter of wing, the mosquito successfully succeeded in succeeding to succeed to enter where many mosquitoes have only dreamed of entering. But the utterly sensitive nose of the doctor, in a moment of haste, sprang to life and what followed is probably the pinnacle of human endeavour towards modernisation. He sneezed! Not just a sneeze but a Sneeze, a big fat mighty SNEEZE!

We are unsure of what happened next, as no soul still confined within their bodies, retained their consciousness during such a cataclysmic event. What we do know, is that the patient with tweeter syndrome has fractured all 206 of his bones including the malleus, incus and stapes of both the ears!

A surgery that could have lasted only a few hours, gave birth to a situation in which the patient required at least a year worth of surgery. Our feelings and thoughts are with him tonight. 😦

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay
Editor-in-chief
Antarctica Daily

GET CONNECTED 

Polythick will replace Polythene


30 February, 0152: Very often in our rich history, have we discovered inventions and invented discoveries so intriguing that it has changed the whole history ever since, which if you think carefully, has in fact, changed the future of thence, as history could not be changed, unless you have a time machine or get hold of a few tachyons. But what happened last week  will surely be remembered by the posterity as the marvel of the millenia.

Right when we were starting to state than polythene will be the reason of extinction of human beings, some wise man from somewhere, did something so amazing that it is not yet entirely known what exactly he did, but sources say that he has devised a new type of material called Polythick, which as it sounds is a partial homophonic antonym of Polythene. Let us educate ourselves with the amazing properties of this ‘all new material’:

  1. It is not non-biodegradable like polythene, neither is it biodegradable. It is instead, Hyperbiodegradable, which means it degrades as soon as you synthesize it and degrades everything else around it, be it metals or wood simultaneously. It is believed to be THE thing that will help us out with waste  management.
  2. It is ductile, malleable, sonorous with high tensile strength and at the same time it is brittle, prone to corrosion, biosynthetic and responsive to touch.
  3. It can change colour depending upon the political situation. Presently it is red in US and Orange in India, though reverse is also not impossible.
  4. It has anti-gravity properties,  book made up of this can be difficult to put down.
  5. It can suddenly vanish and then reappear at a different place, in fact, Joking Growling has confirmed that this was used by Death to make the younger brothers’ invisibility cloak.
  6. Its cost can vary humongously, one second it could be a dollar for a ton, the next minute it might be Graham’s Number of Pounds for a microgram.
  7. It can be used to make bullets as well as clothes, but you should consider the 5th point above before buying such a dress.
  8. It is synthesized by adding the costliest water to a specific nutritious drink. (click to know which!)
  9. It does not catch fire when  placed in fire, but catches fire when drenched in water, and similarly, and also ironically, it is heavier than iron and lighter than feather.
  10. It even has artificial intelligence!

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay
Editor-in-chief
Antarctica Daily

Get Connected 

:-( Astronauts land $50 Billion Rocket on WRONG Planet


30 February, 0146: Shocking! They had to land it on Mars, they instead landed it on Earth! Then they discovered life on the planet they themselves belong to, then by considering it to be Martian Life they conducted an international press conference, produced a documentary, collected samples essential to support *Martian* life and ULTIMATELY, found out that they had mistakenly landed on Earth. Then they went undercover and refused to answer any more interviews.

But, in this massive stage called world, which our painted civilisation have successfully exploited for the last 10 thousand years, the reporters of Antarctica Daily are always viewed with much more respect than other news sources, for we always report the Genuine news. And this time too, the rule did not endure an exception.

We did not know how to find the astronauts, but we found them, and we took an interview. The astronauts were relieved to find out that it was our reporters who had tracked them down and after a brief request, released an one-liner statement, from their constipated mouths!

We just asked them, “WHY?” and they said:

We recently learnt that, Mars was Blue, so we landed the rocket on a blue planet, it turned out to be Earth 😦

We just let them know that mars WAS blue but is no more blue as Casey Neistat started Vlogging again!

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay
Editor-in-chief
Antarctica Daily
Website: Our Simple yet Elegant Website and Our Not So Simple Yet Elegant Website