Studying 25 Hours a Day is not Enough


Let us talk about studying, by studying the way we talk. We shall conduct our study upon a person who studies a lot. Now since we are studying a person, who studies a lot, then we, ourselves, are also studying a lot. Hence, we can conduct the study on ourselves, itself. So let us study the way we study, to study the way we talk, to answer the question on whether we study enough or not?
First, we will create an imaginary ambience in which we will place our gluteus maximus followed by the rest of our body. After we are seated, we will first check the notifications on Facebook, the unread messages in WhatsApp and the latest video in the YouTube Feed. After half an hour of, “Oh, I just got carried away by this awesome YouTube video.” and a few other conclusive videos we will finally open our book. Facebook, I mean. We will drift through the irrelevant status updates, some strange profile picture updates accompanied with demotivatingly motivational captions and a handful of share memories for another hour or so, before our self-control kicks in real hard, and for the first time in the last one hour and thirty minutes, which is equivalent to four thousand and eight hundred wasted seconds, we will finally observe our phone leave the warm contact of our palm and fingers, which would be warmer if the smartphone is from China and even warmer, in fact, to the extent of sizzling hot, and an aroma of barbeque, if the phone was the seventh note from a neighbor of China. We submissively, look towards the clock and realize that it shows thirteen past seven in the evening. Superstitious, as we are, we decide to let the tie fly by a little more, so that we can start studying from seven thirty, which is a round figure. Twenty minutes of Instagram uploads later, we realize that the clock has once again proved to be treacherous, as the minutes hand was temporarily waiting at seven thirty three. “Eight it will be”, we take a grand oath and we return to upgrade a cannon in Clash of Clans. Right at eight, we come emerge from a battle, victorious and put our phone aside, only to pick it up five minutes later, thanks to the notification regarding the readiness of your army for another battle! Ultimately at eight thirty, we open our book. Not just any other book, but an e-book. But since we had forgotten to mute the notifications, few minutes later, we find ourselves swearing at the top of our voices, in the group chat named, “Best Friends Forever”.
The clock strikes nine and the ghrelin over secretion, overwhelms our desire to study and magnetically pulls us to the dinner table. We feast like there is no tomorrow, and we emerge victorious. Our happiness, fails to persist however. We suddenly remember that we have a homework to complete. Twenty seven pages are to be written! Our desires alter within a second, and it becomes the prime intention of our life to complete the impending work. Our sole objective of our soul becomes the submission of the homework tomorrow.
We write till two ‘o’clock in the night and then sleep through the initial lectures of the next day. In the last period, when we were supposed to submit the work, we discover that the teacher is absent, and hence the submission will be postponed till tomorrow!
That day while returning to home, torrential downpour and devastating thunderstorm destroys the notebook you wrote in and that night you redo the entire work all over again.
Hence we observed that, though we did the same homework twice in the last twenty five hours or so, we studied for the cumulative total of three minutes and forty seconds, despite believing firmly in our mind that we were studying all the time. This proves that studying twenty five hours is not enough and you should instead, use a time turner to study at least fifty hours a day!
Best of Luck…

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay
Editor-in-chief
Antarctica Daily

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50 Grades of ‘A’


When the classes of the new session started, the Principal had specifically notified the class teachers, that this year, there would be no foolish pen wavings and silly gossips in the class. As such, she did not expect a lot of the students to appreciate the subtle science and exact art of education. But for those who possess, the predisposition, the teachers must know how to bewitch their personality and ensnare their minds. For example, the chemistry teacher must teach the students how to bottle nitric acid, brew standard solutions and even put a stopper at the end of a burette. But then again, maybe some of the students come to the school with abilities, so formidable that they don’t pay attention in the class! “Mr. Cutter, our new English teacher!” observes the principal, “Tell me, Mr. Cutter what do we get when we add a subject to a predicate?” she adds. “A sentence, Ma’am”, pipes out Mr. Cutter. “Incorrect! We get a clause, which if we do in winter, is called Santa clause! Pity! Clearly, three master’s degrees in English isn’t everything, is it Mr. Cutter?” The entire room of well qualified teachers stood motionless in pin drop silence. “I want 50 students from each class to get the Grade A”, commands the Principal. “But I have only 46 students in my class.”, reports Mrs. Crater, the math teacher. “Which part of 50 A Grades did you not understand, you old sack of numbers? Better start giving multiple grades to the same student, or else the school management might think that you are………..UP to something!” barked the principal. “Madam, what if we make easy question papers to ensure students get better marks? That way we wouldn’t have to work hard and neither the students will have to lose their sleep.” suggested Mr. Butter, the History Teacher. The Red Eyes of the Principal, reddened further with fury. “Tell me more Mr. BUTTER, are you incapable of restraining yourself, or do you take pride in being an insufferable know-it-all? The question papers will be harder than usual, so you better go to your allotted class and ask them to turn over to Page number three hundred and ninety four…!”
The teachers went sobbing to their classes, for they ‘knew not’ a method to improve the performance of their children. What they knew however, is that what they did not know will cost them their jobs! The students meanwhile, were busy in their world. Some were playing football with someone else’s tiffin box, some were holding the blades of the fans and hanging and as soon as someone was switching on the fan, they were being thrown away arbitrarily in the class. Few were doodling on the benches while others were throwing chalks on the pedestrians, form the window. As soon as the teacher entered, the students settled in their places quietly. Nope, just joking. They kept on minding their own businesses, until someone threw the chalk at the teacher and the teacher joined in to play with them. After about a few hours, the students realized that an adult was playing with them and the teacher recollected that he or she is an adult and hence should refrain himself/herself from destroying school property. Though they acted as if they really cared for the school, in reality they did not. Hence, instead of stopping the children, they brought new chalk boxes from the staff rom and motivated the students to go crazy! The students, once they had exhausted the valuable resource of chalks, started to throw hand grenades at each other, or at least they acted like they did. Now, the teachers left their classes and approached the principal. They reported that it was impossible to teach in a school, which is completely devoid of chalks.
The principal was surprised, because this morning itself she had seen eight new chalk boxes in the staff room. She smelled fish and alerted the police of a chalk burglary at the school. The police arrive few minutes later, minutes here being ‘police minutes’ which are equal to one normal human hour. They observed a mob of people looking skywards and cursing the one above for throwing chalks on their heads. The ones with the most glistening heads were the ones worst affected, because there was no hair to break the force of the precipitating chalks. The police immediately solved the mystery. They confidently went up to the principal and told her that all the chalks had been recovered. They also reported that someone from up above had thrown them down upon the pedestrians. After the police left, the principal called up the entire school in the assembly area and said that if they wish to see the sun rise again, then they must collect all the chalks they had thrown and submit them to her before the sun sets. The students looked at each other and then at their teachers and smiled an evil smile.
Right when the sun was a millimeter from setting, the school prefect went up to the principal’s room and requested her to come down to the assembly area and accept an apology from all the students. The principal, being selfsupremacist and fit, jumped two stairs at a time and found herself surrounded by a tier of students and teachers blended together in unity.
Then, it happened.
Before the principal could dodge, every student and every teacher bombarded her with chalk pieces. When they were almost done with throwing, the sports teacher arrived panting, holding up fresh chalk supplies from the school management. Hence, the bombardment continued. It went on for a few more hours, as every time they were exhausting the chalks, someone or the other was returning with fresh supplies. When the throwing mania ended, the principal was lying motionless under a heap of chalks. The students and the teachers dispersed.
Ever since the next day, the teachers were never forced to yield A grades from their classes and the students were never forced to obtain the A grade in their exams.
The reason for this however, was that, right from the next day the school management had introduced the A+ grade!

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay
Editor-in-chief
Antarctica Daily

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This School Teaches you to Swim in Air


30 February, 0158: Despite being three dimensional beings, humans are always confined on the two dimensional ground, because of a force called gravity. Poets across centuries have hoped to grow wings, so that they can fly away and escape into the third spatial dimension, but much to their disgust they all were born with nonsensical hands. Common people when frustrated with their life have found it to be exhilaratingly satisfying to state that they will fly away if certain demands of theirs are not met. Having stated that, it is not difficult for a person who is well grounded in reality to appreciate the fact that the ability to fly, will affect the human society with a lot of unforeseeable consequences.

Just when people were beginning to wonder about flying without a machine,

a Woman was beginning to wander about, flying without a machine!

She requested us not to disclose her identity saying that, “Do not tell anyone that my Name is Dr Albatross Flight and I am about to inaugurate an Air Swimming School that will teach the students to fly! However, through the columns of your esteemed newspaper please advertise about this new school.”

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Even Animals Can Join

We immediately visited the school to find about the courses in Air Swimming School (ASS). The journalist whom we had sent, learnt the skill successfully with flying colors, came back flying, with the reports. The courses encompass a wide range of strokes by which human beings can literally swim in air and figuratively FLY! However, flying costume is mandatory and so is signing a deal saying that, ‘I will not pollute the AirSpace I’m flying in’, to enroll into the course.

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This is how the first lesson begins!

People from all over the world have already started flying in the air, and as a result drone sales have plummeted down faster that the ones who forget the strokes in mid air! She-Who-Should-Not-Be-Named has clearly done a tremendous job and we hope that people will use this newly learned skill for the benefit of mankind (although we must admit that, that is HIGHLY unlikely! )

🙂

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay
Editor-in-chief
Antarctica Daily

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Defence against Dark Arts to be taught in Muggle Schools


30 February, 0131: After a sequence of events which have left the Muggles concerned about their future, the OCD (Official Committee of Defence) have decided to introduce Defence against Dark Arts as a subject in the high school. Let us have a look on the few horrible happennings which have led to this strange decision:

  • Few muggles were injured, after their broomsticks took off and like every other real life object, got damaged mid air.
  • A pedestrian performed the patronus charm on a cab driver, when he refused to offer a ride to a foreigner.
  • Few miners joined the Dark army after losing faith from the world.
  • Leading University students, demanded a Quidditch tournament.
  • The Privet Drive home was auctioned off for 44 Billion Dollars.
  • Students have been using Apparition to ensure that they do not get late for school.
  • Teachers have been sending Howlers to parents to complain about their children
  • Aragog have been paying regular visits to arachnophobe homes.
  • Thieves were sent to Azkaban without proper trial.
  • Marauder’s Map was used to spy into neighbours’ homes by students.
  • Galleons have replaced bitcoins as second most popular currency after the usual paper currency.

Considering these unlikely magical events the experts have considered it the high time to educate the muggle high schoolers of ways of protecting them against the Dark-arts and hence live a better life!

Reported by, Sabarni Dasgupta*

Profile:

  • Graduate from Hogwarts
  • Had a dinosaur as a pet
  • Fond of Pumpkin juice and Flavour Changing Jelly Beans
  • Net Worth: tends to infinity

*Edited by,

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay
Editor-in-chief
Antarctica Daily
Website: Our Simple yet Elegant Website

Obnoxious Inter-Planetary Chaos can cause Earth to Emigrate


30 February, 0091: This solar system is no more a safe place to live in. Some of Earth’s siblings like Saturn and Uranus along with other lowly comets and meteors have severely aggravated the Solar discipline by drawing foul conclusions of an extremely Chaotic situation and blaming it all on Earth. As a result, Earth and her single parent Sun have been called upon by the Milky Way Principal Saggitarius A in his personal office near the central bulge to discuss about the waning future of Earth and impose detention for 4 Billion Years.

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It all began with Mars’ Moon Deimos clicking a selfie during the Assembly of moons. It was noticed by Phobos, his brother, who in an act of desperation reported the fact to Class Teacher Neptune. Neptune instantly called off the Assembly and rolled on towards Inner Solar system to talk to his mom Mars. Deimos noticed what was going on and hid himself carefully in the asteroid belt. However, Discipline Coordinator Proxima Centauri, who was in her rounds, found that Neptune was not in her class and all her students were illegally exerting gravitational influence on innocent meteors. Only Earth Moon was seen to be quite during the entire process, which led to the suspicion in the minds of Proxima that it was she who was the leader of all this. Meanwhile, Neptune managed to go past Jupiter and just as she was going past Ganymede Jupiter affectionately attracted her towards him and Neptune started orbiting him aimlessly. All the time Halley’s comet was travelling towards his Granny, Sun and just as he saw Aunt Neptune orbiting Uncle Jupiter, he instantly uploaded the status to FLASHBOOK, the most popular Social Media for Planets. Saturn went for a party along with Uranus where they were enlightened by their news feed that Neptune was in wrong company. We know that Saturn is smaller than Jupiter and Uranus(no puns intended) is a little smaller that Neptune, hence, they immediately grabbed the opportunity and instantly reshared the post to their friend circles for insulting Neptune and Jupiter. Proxima, who was in friend list of Saturn saw the post and immediately tagged Earth( she actually wanted to tag moon, but moon was under-age and did not have a flash book account.) Sirius took the matter seriously and reported it to the Principal Saggitarius who believed that Earth was the reason why all this stuff was happening. Few moons have been reported missing and few others have started orbiting wrong planets in the entire chaos.

Everyone expects that the condition will be back to normal but it is Earth who is in real trouble despite being innocent.

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay
Editor-in-chief
Antarctica Daily
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