The Heaviest Bag


The shoulders were drooping, the posture was stooping and the dogs were….never mind, as I walked by the river on my way to office. I admired the shining and glistening sunlight reflecting off of my shoulder, but the truth was that even if a small drop of rain precipitated on my shoulder, it was enough to throw me to the holy ground as I was already past my yielding limit. 

I wanted to sit, but I could not, for if I did, I may never get up, unless dug up! The weight was unbearable, and had it been anyone else with strength, a little lesser than mine, waiting with the weight could have wetted them! I was waiting. Waiting for God to lift my limp body, high up into the air, not exactly to pay a visit to heaven, but more so, to relieve me of by bag.

But, suddenly there was movement. I sensed my shoulders rise. And it continued to rise. It rose higher and higher and still higher, unlike my salary. But, then I discovered a hole. A deep one. My bag had fallen off my shoulders and had perforated the Earth!

Next day I read in headlines, that a bag had suddenly risen up from the ground, destroying a skyscraper in the process, at a place geographically opposite to where the bag had fallen off yesterday!

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay
Editor-in-chief
Antarctica Daily

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How to Travel in Time?


Travelling in time was considered to be impossible, until world famous scientist Dr Meryl Lee proved to the world that it is not only possible but is also insanely easy.

Here is the summary of the simple technique:

  1. First set up a clock outside a room
  2. Note the time before going into the room
  3. Darken the room by switching off lights
  4. Close your eyes
  5. Take a magnet in your right hand
  6. Take a solenoid in your left hand
  7. Raise the arms in the air
  8. Shake vigorously
  9. Continue for 15 minutes
  10. Now throw away both the solenoid and magnet
  11. Run out of the room at a speed faster than 15kmph
  12. Open your eyes and note the time in the clock
  13. Compare the present time with the initial time (when you had walked in)
  14. If you had followed the steps correctly, you should be more than 15 minutes into future
  15. Before doing the experiment, realise that you cannot go back once you have travelled into future and hence, you might end up wasting 15 minutes of your life or atleast 2 minutes for reading this post.


Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay
Editor-in-chief
Antarctica Daily
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A Difficult Ascension


You usually take the stairs. You may take the elevator, but more often it is the escalator. I took the escalator, but the wrong one. You see, it is not easy for a person of my calibre to focus at more than zero foci at the same time. I am miserably restless. I always forget about….well, i have forgotten about what I forget about, but it might just as well be exactly what I forget about! Hence, it may not be the most surprising of all surprises to acknowledge the fact that I had forgotten that the ‘upgoing’ elevator is in the completely opposite direction to where I was heading. But, the paradox is that, I was indeed heading towards a escalator. You might figure out, this escalator was a ‘downcoming’ one! I stepped onto it, and within a minute I ended up lower than I had started. I started on two legs, but I ended up on four and not all of them were legs, mind you! I saw people pass by me in the opposite direction, their lips twisted into a wry smile. So I did some brainstorming and I solved the riddle.

Till now, I am walking backwards on that damned escalator and I am only halfway through!

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay
Editor-in-chief
Antarctica Daily
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Studying 25 Hours a Day is not Enough


Let us talk about studying, by studying the way we talk. We shall conduct our study upon a person who studies a lot. Now since we are studying a person, who studies a lot, then we, ourselves, are also studying a lot. Hence, we can conduct the study on ourselves, itself. So let us study the way we study, to study the way we talk, to answer the question on whether we study enough or not?
First, we will create an imaginary ambience in which we will place our gluteus maximus followed by the rest of our body. After we are seated, we will first check the notifications on Facebook, the unread messages in WhatsApp and the latest video in the YouTube Feed. After half an hour of, “Oh, I just got carried away by this awesome YouTube video.” and a few other conclusive videos we will finally open our book. Facebook, I mean. We will drift through the irrelevant status updates, some strange profile picture updates accompanied with demotivatingly motivational captions and a handful of share memories for another hour or so, before our self-control kicks in real hard, and for the first time in the last one hour and thirty minutes, which is equivalent to four thousand and eight hundred wasted seconds, we will finally observe our phone leave the warm contact of our palm and fingers, which would be warmer if the smartphone is from China and even warmer, in fact, to the extent of sizzling hot, and an aroma of barbeque, if the phone was the seventh note from a neighbor of China. We submissively, look towards the clock and realize that it shows thirteen past seven in the evening. Superstitious, as we are, we decide to let the tie fly by a little more, so that we can start studying from seven thirty, which is a round figure. Twenty minutes of Instagram uploads later, we realize that the clock has once again proved to be treacherous, as the minutes hand was temporarily waiting at seven thirty three. “Eight it will be”, we take a grand oath and we return to upgrade a cannon in Clash of Clans. Right at eight, we come emerge from a battle, victorious and put our phone aside, only to pick it up five minutes later, thanks to the notification regarding the readiness of your army for another battle! Ultimately at eight thirty, we open our book. Not just any other book, but an e-book. But since we had forgotten to mute the notifications, few minutes later, we find ourselves swearing at the top of our voices, in the group chat named, “Best Friends Forever”.
The clock strikes nine and the ghrelin over secretion, overwhelms our desire to study and magnetically pulls us to the dinner table. We feast like there is no tomorrow, and we emerge victorious. Our happiness, fails to persist however. We suddenly remember that we have a homework to complete. Twenty seven pages are to be written! Our desires alter within a second, and it becomes the prime intention of our life to complete the impending work. Our sole objective of our soul becomes the submission of the homework tomorrow.
We write till two ‘o’clock in the night and then sleep through the initial lectures of the next day. In the last period, when we were supposed to submit the work, we discover that the teacher is absent, and hence the submission will be postponed till tomorrow!
That day while returning to home, torrential downpour and devastating thunderstorm destroys the notebook you wrote in and that night you redo the entire work all over again.
Hence we observed that, though we did the same homework twice in the last twenty five hours or so, we studied for the cumulative total of three minutes and forty seconds, despite believing firmly in our mind that we were studying all the time. This proves that studying twenty five hours is not enough and you should instead, use a time turner to study at least fifty hours a day!
Best of Luck…

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay
Editor-in-chief
Antarctica Daily

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Flying without wings (in an Aeroplane)


Tom, Dick and Harry were flying in an Aeroplane. Then the wings fell off. Two minutes later the plane slammed onto the ground.
Flying without wings is impossible. Flying, without wings, in an Aeroplane is possible. Flying, without wings, in an Aeroplane without wings is again impossible. Hence, the plane had slammed onto the ground, exactly two minutes after the wings had fallen off. Now you will experience the last two minutes of the flight, in first person singular, as the narration of Tom, Dick and Harry, individually.
Tom: “I sat quietly by the window, doing nothing. I wanted to do something, but I could not. The vision, of mother Earth rising up towards our flight, was stupefying. It was so unnerving, that for the next one minute and fifty nine seconds, I could not fathom that it was our flight which was falling, and not the ground that was rising. In those long, painstaking, one hundred and nineteen seconds, I came up with multiple theories that will explain the levitation of the mother Earth. First, I assumed that I was witnessing the formation of a mountain. I knew, how the Himalayas rose out of the Tethys, so I could visualize the grounds rising. Also, I entertained the thought that my eyes were zooming in by a phenomenon, yet unknown to biologists. I soon got bored of my thoughts, as the will to jump off with a parachute consumed me. Hence, I tore away the life jacket which was supposed to be used for water landings and I ran ‘out’ of the cockpit to alert the cabin crew. Just as I got to my feet, one one nine seconds after the plane had started falling, I realized the plane had started falling one one nine seconds back. And then the plane slammed on to the ground. Oh! By the way, did I mention to you that I was the Captain of the Flight?”
Dick: “I am a Cabin Crew. I was waiting to be confirmed by the captain that the plane was falling, so that I could prepare the cabin for crash landing. But the captain never approached me. And I blissfully kept on believing that the plane was not falling, even though the blood curling shouts of the passengers indicated otherwise. In the last two minutes, I observed strange things, like the weighing machine showing reduced weight of whoever standing on it. The water and associated sewage was no more flowing down the emergency drain but rather floated uniformly in the engulfing premises of the lavatory, adding an essence of antigravity and an aroma of foul odors. Every single hair on every single head, stood high up appreciating the free fall of the aircraft. But, I corrected myself, the flight was not falling, because the captain had not said so. I kept on minding my own business, until I realized that I was seated high up in the sky, probably in heaven. I saw many passengers accompanying me. But I failed to locate the captain, Tom. He probably had continued the downward journey, arguably initiated by the flight, and by now, must have had joined the demon at the barbeque.”
Harry: “I swear the flight did not fall. In fact the flight was rising higher every moment. If you ask me, the flight should not have taken off that day. It was still under maintenance. The only reason that it did take off was that a bunch of foolish passengers had mistakenly boarded the flight, followed by a smaller bunch of foolish cabin crews and then a few foolish cockpit guys. The wings of the flight were still not fixed properly, so it is not surprising that those fell off in mid-air. The flight was cruising at thirty two thousand feet when the mishap happened. Luckily, I was not in the flight. I was the mechanic fixing the wings, I ‘was’ because I no more ‘am’, and I was still on the wings when the flight took off. I was unaware of that, as I was listening to music and continued disassembling the wings while the flight was in the air! When the wings were loosened enough, I fell with it, and while falling I saw the flight miraculously rise higher up in the air. By the time, the plane had crashed I was already in the immigration section of Heaven, wondering ‘How the Hell’ did I end up here?”
The interviews were taken by reporters from Antarctica Daily, post death at venues like hell and heaven!

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay
Editor-in-chief
Antarctica Daily

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Ambulance defeats Bugatti in Kolkata Drag Race!


30 February, 0159: Humans always receive an inexplicable pleasure by winning prizes, even if that comes at the cost of messing up your normal life! Ambulance driver Dr Haripodo Poddar did accurately exemplify the aforementioned statement, by participating in a drag race even though he was taking a highly critical patient (who was simultaneously suffering from every disease including housemaid’s knee but was not a hypochondriac!) to the hospital. The venue of the race was College Street! After registering in the race, he found out that his competitors were driving super cars like Bugatti Veyron, Lambos and Porsches! However he had to console himself by driving just a Maruti Omni, which was being used nowadays as an ambulance, or as many people called it, SHORTCUT TO HEAVEN or HELL (Depending on your browser history!).

The race began amidst the cheers and before the Bugatti and Lambos could move, they found out that College Street is a one way street and they were about to race in the opposite direction! Therefore, they started the race in reverse gear. The ambulance however, proceeded anteriorly, like a boss!

People moved out of his way and the ambulance sailed like an airbus at its top speed of 25 kmph! For the super cars, however, the story was different. People seemed to deliberately block their way, traffic seemed to be overwhelming! Rickshaws, pedestrians and trams scratched the glossy exteriors of the car. The drivers immediately stepped out and started cursing randomly. This increased the osmotic potential of the Street. Many more people moved onto the roads like solvent molecules and scratched the cars at newer places, which perpetuated and intensified the entire cyclical process in a positive feedback loop!

Even before the cars had reached the 100 m mark, though in the reverse direction, the ambulance had already crossed the finish line! The Ambulance driver was received as a hero by the people of Kolkata! After all, a Maruti Omni had defeated a Bugatti!

The patient had died by then, so the driver donated his body for dissection by medical students!

🙂

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay

Editor-in-chief

Antarctica Daily

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10 Most Amazing Planets found in our Universe!


30 February, 0155: Scientists believe that our Universe was born in a cataclysmic explosion called Big Bang about 13.7 Billion Years ago. On this playground termed the Universe, Stars have taken birth in Star Hospitals and Nursing Homes called nebulae and has given birth in turn to the planets. Today, we explore the amazing world of otherworldly worlds out of our own world. Here are the top ten Most Amazing Planets found in our Universe:

  1. HD11fuNny0o: As awkward as the name sounds, this planet is the best place to kick off our discussion. Born during a galactic plague this congenitally mutated planet is strangely indecisive in its orbits and is known over the Universe for its rectangular orbits around its star! It has clear cut season demarcation, which changes while the planet goes past the sharp orbit edges. It does not rotate on axis although it simple harmonically oscillates about its axis whenever it feels like.
    1.png

    HD11fuNny0o is a Very Shy Planet!

  2. Soccer: This planet totally abides by its name, although not much is known about it, scientists have observed that this planet looks totally like a football. Also, the planetary design is exactly like the 2010 World Cup football Jabulani!
    2.jpeg

    Waka Waka…

  3. Geminalplanet: This planet, rather these planets are not a single planet and rather a planetary system. Gemini means twins in latin, but these planets are a whole family of unplanned children of a star all orbiting in the same orbit! So from far away, it seems the planets are stationary, as they are attached equator to equator! Some people have nicknamed it as pearl necklace! Also the planets radiate some otherworldly glow!
    3.png

    The Star it orbits is totally leading a #thug_life

  4. BlackHole#231: This planet is a black hole, no one knows how or why?
    4.jpg

    This is the Only Picture we have of the planet!

  5. Mooney: This planet has a moon bigger than itself and is continuously blackmailed by its moon to step down from the orbit and handover the orbital duties to the moon itself and survive as its satellite! A case has already been filed in the court of Intergalactic Justice against the moon for the use of dark energy to persuade the planet. Also, our reporters have obtained clues indicating use of illegal dark matter to bribe the poor planet.
    5.jpg

    The Homeland of Universal Crimes!

  6. Cube: This planet is an odd one, although it is an even position number on the list. This planet is Cubical. Exactly Cubical! It also has a cubical moon.
    6.jpg

    Asteroid Collision is supposed to have given them their shape!

  7. AC$@%&: This planet is entirely air conditioned, which can be controlled at the will of anyone living on this planet. The temperature can range from blazing 3,000,000 Kelvins to freezing 3 Kelvins. Amazingly, we have been receiving continuous radio transmission of profanity from this planet which is why the signs and symbols are included in its name.
    7.jpg

    Parental Guidance: STRONG LANGUAGE DETECTED!

  8. Starry: This exoplanet is a star ! The only reason we consider it as a planet is the fact that, on the birth certificate it was mentioned to be a planet. It added a crust on its surface to disguise itself as a planet from the POLICE (Planetary Officers Loving to Inexplicably Chase Exoplanets).
    8.jpg

    This Stary Exoplanet is closer than other Planets of the star!

  9. Bounce3D: This planet was featured as the famous ball in the epic Bounce 3D game!
    9.png

    Bound to make you nostalgic!

  10. Earth: This planet has individuals who are capable of researching, writing and reading about the planets, including itself, we have just read about!
    10.jpg

    This one gives us Chills!!! (in winter)

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay
Editor-in-chief
Antarctica Daily

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Archaeologist finds Blue Whale on the top of Mount Everest


30 February, 0154: Mount Everest is always on the headlines. Either it is spewing out lava and getting confirmed as a volcano, or else an archaeologist is finding a blue whale on its pinnacle.

everest.jpg

Proof of both Blue Whale and Volcanic Activity on Mount Everest!

Archaeologist Dr Dino Sir was actually a jobless unemployed spare time mountain climber, who climbed Mount Everest for publicity stunt in an attempt to make ends meet. But hardly did he know when he was in Base Camp 1, that within the next few hours he will become a world renowned celebrity.

Yesterday at about 1:00 PM in the noon he topped the Everest. But as soon as he was going to shoot a selfie (or rather coolfie) in his new oversmartphone, he tripped and fell. And what a fall it was! He came rolling down the Everest faster than speed of light. When he reached the bottom, about one millisecond later, he was 24 years younger, due to relativistic effects! He was utterly miserable for failing to take the selfie. But a surprise awaited him when he checked out the storage of his oversmartphone. He somehow managed to take 1,234,567,890 continuous pictures within the 1 millisecond he took to fall and the first million or so of the pictures starkly revealed what he had tripped on. For a second he was stunned. But then he was busy, busy uploading the pics on every social media. What he found was a Blue Whale on Everest! He wasn’t sure whether it was a whale just blue in colour, maybe because it supported chelsea, or really a blue whale, but either way he didn’t really care, for after all he wasn’t a zoologist, he was an archaeologist!

He was so startled by his discovery that he scaled and descended the entire Everest 5 times within 5 minutes shouting out Eureka continuously!

No one knows how it ended up there? Some say, it was left there during the filming of the film 2012!

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay
Editor-in-chief
Antarctica Daily

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Polythick will replace Polythene


30 February, 0152: Very often in our rich history, have we discovered inventions and invented discoveries so intriguing that it has changed the whole history ever since, which if you think carefully, has in fact, changed the future of thence, as history could not be changed, unless you have a time machine or get hold of a few tachyons. But what happened last week  will surely be remembered by the posterity as the marvel of the millenia.

Right when we were starting to state than polythene will be the reason of extinction of human beings, some wise man from somewhere, did something so amazing that it is not yet entirely known what exactly he did, but sources say that he has devised a new type of material called Polythick, which as it sounds is a partial homophonic antonym of Polythene. Let us educate ourselves with the amazing properties of this ‘all new material’:

  1. It is not non-biodegradable like polythene, neither is it biodegradable. It is instead, Hyperbiodegradable, which means it degrades as soon as you synthesize it and degrades everything else around it, be it metals or wood simultaneously. It is believed to be THE thing that will help us out with waste  management.
  2. It is ductile, malleable, sonorous with high tensile strength and at the same time it is brittle, prone to corrosion, biosynthetic and responsive to touch.
  3. It can change colour depending upon the political situation. Presently it is red in US and Orange in India, though reverse is also not impossible.
  4. It has anti-gravity properties,  book made up of this can be difficult to put down.
  5. It can suddenly vanish and then reappear at a different place, in fact, Joking Growling has confirmed that this was used by Death to make the younger brothers’ invisibility cloak.
  6. Its cost can vary humongously, one second it could be a dollar for a ton, the next minute it might be Graham’s Number of Pounds for a microgram.
  7. It can be used to make bullets as well as clothes, but you should consider the 5th point above before buying such a dress.
  8. It is synthesized by adding the costliest water to a specific nutritious drink. (click to know which!)
  9. It does not catch fire when  placed in fire, but catches fire when drenched in water, and similarly, and also ironically, it is heavier than iron and lighter than feather.
  10. It even has artificial intelligence!

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay
Editor-in-chief
Antarctica Daily

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IIT Aspirant files PIL against IPL to introduce Negative Marking


30 February, 0150: Equality is the basis of Democracy. We learnt it. He applied it!

He‘ refers to an unnamed IIT aspirant from Mumbai, India. His belief is that if IIT Aspirants get negative marking for wrong answers in the JEE Exam, then the Cricket teams should get Negative marks if they lose the match. The idea has won followers over many social media platforms.

As you can see, His facebook post was liked by more than half the human population within only 9 milli seconds! Even on Twitter he was the boss…

Fake iPhone Text Generator iOS

We managed to get a screenshot within nanoseconds of Him Tweeting this. But in the next 4.5 microsecond his tweet became the most tweeted pic ever! His account became the most followed account ever and He received at least a trillion replies.

Among his other ideas, was that, IPL teams can choose to play which game they like. Therefore they may attempt and play only the games they want to and no points will be deducted. Also he asked for increase in the number of games to 90 for the perfect point of 360 as he demanded +4 for every win and -1 for every loss. Plus, he added that every game should be completed within 3 hours. Players will be vigorously checked before entry into stadium and no bluetooth communication devices will be allowed. Players can wear only loose fitting clothes like Track suits. Also they are not allowed to bring their own bats and balls and protective equipments and they will be supplied by the stadium authority.

With such immense success in spreading the word to make life harder for cricketers, we believe that his initiative will surely succeed in succeeding and hence introduce negative marking in a cricket league. His PIL has been supported by everybody in this galaxy including the IPL cricketers themselves!

PS: Another story by such an unknown “HIM”.

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay
Editor-in-chief
Antarctica Daily
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