30 February, 0125: After a recent development in particle physics, all the English Channels like Scar Movies, Movies Wow, Burner Woes, Sunny Pics, etc. have made an astonishing announcement. They have promised to the viewers in every Indian household that using the concept of the string theory they will predict sequences of events which are most likely to repeat. Knowing that plots of Indian soaps are probably not an exception to that notion and in fact, are probably the most appreciable examples of the fact, they have ventured upon a new technology to predict the future.
For example, if a specific episode was scheduled on 31st August in the Soap broadcaster channel, it will be forecasted on 32nd July on an English Movie Channel. After a long research involving the PISA (Psycho Indian Soap Analyzers) and the PIZZA (Probably International: Zzz Zzz (sleeping) Association) the producers of the movie channels have summarized the following facts:
- Almost every Soap has a similar plot, with occasionally different character names and different actors; sometimes different actors play the same role in the same episode of the same serial, usually because everyone is accustomed to witness the changing faces of typical soap-y characters.
- The Background music is usually borrowed from the latest hit Bollywood Movie.
- The older the character, the crueler SHE becomes and quieter HE becomes.
- Action scenes if to be shot, involves 3 faulty editings, 4 jumps, 5 punches and an infinite amount of camera shaking.
- The worst insult possible is a SLAP from the most loved person.
- The Editors are expert in Pressing CTRL+X and CTRL+V.
- A connection of Indian Soaps to Dante Alighieri’s Epic Poem The Divine Comedy has been established, because the number 3 is emphasised in both the cases. In Indian Soaps, every action takes place thrice, with different angles of camera, (un)pleasant background music and plethora of camera filters.
If all the data about 2 consecutive episodes are fed into a supercomputer like TRANSLTR, then within seconds the computer predicts the possible storyline for the episodes to be broadcasted in next one month.
Although the details about how String theory is useful is still a mystery, it is advisable to every soap lover that they should switch on to their English Movies Channel, and enjoy the INDIAN SOAP MARATHON from Morning 5 AM to Night 10 PM witnessing all the episode forecasts.
Reporter: Monideepa Majumdar*
- Star Correspondent of Leading Daily Newspaper of India
- Understood difference between TV Soaps and Cleansing Soaps since infancy
- Does every action thrice with background music
- Net Worth: Incalculable but Famous for moneylending to Bill Windows (developer of Gates OS), thrice.
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