Sing Classical. Rap Raps. But Do Not Sing Pop Songs When Situations Are Tense.
He was an unsung hero. Not that his heroic deeds were not appreciated, but rather he himself was a no-singing-man. Everybody loved him and cared for him. They were perplexed at the thought that this otherwise perfect hero could not even sing. They decided to discuss the matter in the Parliament. They assembled representatives, Doctors were present. So were singers. Politicians were absent neither. Nor were common people.
He was seated at the centre of the stage. They decided to decide a song which he should try to sing. But suddenly they heard the thunder rumble. Their hopes also did crumble. For it was their hero who sang. Not a heroic song, not an epic. But a Pop song. Justin Bieber’s Baby!
You know right, that its music video has about 7 million dislikes? Well, he made 8 Million enemies. They never forgave him. They never forgot him. They were a legion. Expect them! Ever since, he was anonymous.
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According to the butterfly effect of Chaos Theory, a single flutter of a butterfly wing in Brazil can cause a thunderstorm in Mexico. Similarly, humming along to any song can degrade your voice, but the true reason of that was unfathomable until it was fathomed for the first time.
We are trying our level best to outline the reason of this particular phenomena…
When you sing or hum, preferably to your favourite song, your vocal cords vibrate. This sets off longitudinal waves of successive compression and rarefaction that propagate in every direction before passing on the energy to an arbitrary object that pays commission to it, in terms of free electrons. Now, this arbitrary object, happy with its trade, oscillates vigorously which passes on the enrgy to a series of random objects, exchamging with them free gifts like diamonds, uranium atoms or bougainvillea flowers, gets magnified exponentially in each step and eventually results in an Earthquake in the locality. This sudden inexplicable earthquake gets covered by news media from every country of the world and that requires a lot of energy. The extra energy is derived usually from unusual sources like moonlight and sunlight. This angers the Sun for overusing its product, namely sunlight. The Sun starts fission instead of fusion causing confusion among people. Everyone on earth gets irritated by the rash behaviour of the heavenly body and raises their voice to complain. This makes it difficult for you to listen to the beats of the song you were humming along to. You wear a headphone and turn up the volume to its highest. The volume now gets so loud, that it becomes impossible for you to hear yourself humming. You start singing at the top of your voice and that severely degrades your voice.
If you think this explanation is impractical, then try to hum to a song. But be careful, you might lose your voice forever.
It was midnight. In the graveyard. A hand arose from the soil underneath. A corpse followed. We were having a birthday party there, and clearly the corpse wasn’t invited, much less that in our ‘invited’ list, its name was in red and underlined. We checked it once and we checked it twice, but no!
The corpse, however, didn’t seem much annoyed by this birthday celebration in graveyard, which by the way is spelled with a rusted iron-E, and the corpse was very PUNctual about pointing that out, right when we started singing the happy birthday song.
In fact, towards the end all the corpses had joined our party and we were so tired of seeing rotting flesh, that we fell asleep in their coffins. They buried us deep, so that the sound of death metal music, to which they were dancing, should not awake us.
Ultimately, they swiftly called up a tailor, made brilliant, posh clothes for themselves and made the tailor make long satin drapes with which they mummified us and left us in the coffins forever.
You must sympathize with what, this Tailor made us do (namely, get mummified) and this is surely because, the old Tailor couldn’t come to the party! Why? Because he’s dead! By the way, he was one of the corpses, ordering our mummification!
In case, you found this post weird, you must have a reputation for not listening to pop music!
Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay (Luckily, I had my phone with me inside the coffin, so i could upload our experience. Also, you must applaud the underground Wi-Fi Service!)
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They thought I was announcing the end of the world, but they were wrong. Others were convinced that I had commited a hideous murder and was pleading guilty, but they were wrong too. The truth was however buried under a hoarse voice uttering illegible words. I was singing. Oh, What a song it was! Melodious and vicious, it was the perfect alarm tune to wake you up, from your coffin.
As I sang, I saw the world fall deeper and deeper into the depths of the dark ocean of doubt. Not that they cared though, but being human as they were, they had to ostentatiosly wipe their eyes, in order to share their selfless sympathetic sentiment for my severe sacrifice due to singing. I, according to them, was sacrificing the very being of my vocal cords, or the larynx, as the more educated and scientifically inclined among them declared.
An atmosphere of despair gradually descended and enveloped me, pulling myself towards its dark bosom and away from the human society. The previous sentence is a false statement. I sang merrily, for I was oblivious of their thoughts and apparently a little too busy with my own, to care about anyone’s, who was not me. After an hour worth of jaw dropping melody, I stopped, a fraction of a second after, the heartbeats of my audience did.
Till now, I have been evading the police successfully, but with every tick of the clock, and every pasting of the MOST WANTED MURDERER poster, I am starting to visualize the capture of my soulless self and selfless soul.
30 February, 0153: “Who can say for sure? Perhaps a frontal lobotomy would be the answer!”, said the doctor,before adding, “If science can operate on this distorted brain and put it into good use, Society would reap a great benefit!” Although, the doc said all this with an air of confidence, one hour later he tragically confirmed to the world that it was himself and not the patient who had the distorted brain!
Sneezing is good. It helps us get rid of intruders in our nasal cavity. In fact, sneezing has been regarded as a heroic act by several ancient civilizations. Often, we have observed, great empires being thrown over and newer empires being established only because the latter sneezed with more perfection! From establishing domination to ensuring victories in battles, a mighty sneeze is indeed what brave human beings look forward to!
But who knew that such a noble task such as sneezing could break hearts of so many people and what’s worse, break so many bones, in fact all, of one person. It was three days before the day after tomorrow, that is, yesterday that the doctor was attempting to attempt a frontal lobotomy, which is a pretty illegal surgery nowadays, on a 123.456 years old, rather young, as he likes to call himself, man, who had apparently been suffering from tweet syndrome, in which, one person can not refrain himself from tweeting meaningless tweets, often incomplete with invented words, especially at the middle of the night!
The surgery began pretty well, with the doc making ostentatious hand movements which dazzled the innocent interns who were either presently absent or absent-mindedly present there. Unnoticed by everybody, a vicious mosquito was advancing towards the engulfing premises of the doctor’s nasal cavity. With one last flutter of wing, the mosquito successfully succeeded in succeeding to succeed to enter where many mosquitoes have only dreamed of entering. But the utterly sensitive nose of the doctor, in a moment of haste, sprang to life and what followed is probably the pinnacle of human endeavour towards modernisation. He sneezed! Not just a sneeze but a Sneeze, a big fat mighty SNEEZE!
We are unsure of what happened next, as no soul still confined within their bodies, retained their consciousness during such a cataclysmic event. What we do know, is that the patient with tweeter syndrome has fractured all 206 of his bones including the malleus, incus and stapes of both the ears!
A surgery that could have lasted only a few hours, gave birth to a situation in which the patient required at least a year worth of surgery. Our feelings and thoughts are with him tonight. 😦