Usain Bolt beats Fast Food

10 April 2018

Yesterday, the world’s most awaited 100m running competition was held between Usain Bolt and a Cheesy Burger from Heart Attack Grill. Strangely enough, the burger despite being a fast food lost the race to Great athletic personality of Usain Bolt by a factor of milliseconds.

With a shot of gun in the air, the race had begun. Usain bolt was seen advancing at an incredible pace, with his legs propelling him towards the finish line. Unseen by the audience, just beside Bolt was a cheesy burger, rolling fast enough to be a least a one arm distance in front of the fastest runner. No doubt, it was indeed a very fast food.

Just before the finish line, the burger, overwhelmed by its speed, slowed down for a moment to tuck in a cheese slice that was almost falling off its side. The experts have blamed the molten cheese on top for this mishap. But that was all that Bolt needed. He sped past the burger and crossed the finish line in a blink of an eye, clinching the gold medal successfully.

It’s true that the burger did not win, but it did show some incredible sportsman’s spirit by offering Bolt to have it to celebrate his win. Bolt too taught us that we should never give up till the game is over. The managers of the event taught us that even a burger can compete in a 100m race. Our biology books taught us that Mitochondria are the power houses of the cells. But that was all.

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay

A Tasty Tuesday Post

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Voldemort lures Joker to the Dark Side

9 January 2018

Harry Potter is alive. Batman is also alive. Both Joker and Voldemort have failed.

But Joker had already told batman, “I don’t wanna kill you! What would i do without you?…” and being a man of principles as he is, he is now appreciating the heavy weight of his statement. Neither can he defame batman, because batman always finds newer ways to defame himself worse than Joker can ever do, nor can he kill him now! That’s why with the littlest of the motivations he did not hesitate to join Voldemort’s Dark army of Death Eaters and instead kill Harry Potter and let Voldemort deal with Batman.

But after moving over to the ‘Dark Side United‘ with a hefty winter transfer fee paid to his ex-team, which is a team simply made up to drain Voldemort of resources and hence lower his ego, he found that Batman and Harry Potter had already teamed up and allured Voldemort himself, towards their team!

Hence next Wednesday, in an El Classico, The Dark Side United will face the GotWarts HogHam United in their first ever encounter! Rumors say that, Wonder Woman will be the referee!

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay

#365day_100word

#antarctica_daily

Flying without wings (in an Aeroplane)

Tom, Dick and Harry were flying in an Aeroplane. Then the wings fell off. Two minutes later the plane slammed onto the ground.
Flying without wings is impossible. Flying, without wings, in an Aeroplane is possible. Flying, without wings, in an Aeroplane without wings is again impossible. Hence, the plane had slammed onto the ground, exactly two minutes after the wings had fallen off. Now you will experience the last two minutes of the flight, in first person singular, as the narration of Tom, Dick and Harry, individually.
Tom: “I sat quietly by the window, doing nothing. I wanted to do something, but I could not. The vision, of mother Earth rising up towards our flight, was stupefying. It was so unnerving, that for the next one minute and fifty nine seconds, I could not fathom that it was our flight which was falling, and not the ground that was rising. In those long, painstaking, one hundred and nineteen seconds, I came up with multiple theories that will explain the levitation of the mother Earth. First, I assumed that I was witnessing the formation of a mountain. I knew, how the Himalayas rose out of the Tethys, so I could visualize the grounds rising. Also, I entertained the thought that my eyes were zooming in by a phenomenon, yet unknown to biologists. I soon got bored of my thoughts, as the will to jump off with a parachute consumed me. Hence, I tore away the life jacket which was supposed to be used for water landings and I ran ‘out’ of the cockpit to alert the cabin crew. Just as I got to my feet, one one nine seconds after the plane had started falling, I realized the plane had started falling one one nine seconds back. And then the plane slammed on to the ground. Oh! By the way, did I mention to you that I was the Captain of the Flight?”
Dick: “I am a Cabin Crew. I was waiting to be confirmed by the captain that the plane was falling, so that I could prepare the cabin for crash landing. But the captain never approached me. And I blissfully kept on believing that the plane was not falling, even though the blood curling shouts of the passengers indicated otherwise. In the last two minutes, I observed strange things, like the weighing machine showing reduced weight of whoever standing on it. The water and associated sewage was no more flowing down the emergency drain but rather floated uniformly in the engulfing premises of the lavatory, adding an essence of antigravity and an aroma of foul odors. Every single hair on every single head, stood high up appreciating the free fall of the aircraft. But, I corrected myself, the flight was not falling, because the captain had not said so. I kept on minding my own business, until I realized that I was seated high up in the sky, probably in heaven. I saw many passengers accompanying me. But I failed to locate the captain, Tom. He probably had continued the downward journey, arguably initiated by the flight, and by now, must have had joined the demon at the barbeque.”
Harry: “I swear the flight did not fall. In fact the flight was rising higher every moment. If you ask me, the flight should not have taken off that day. It was still under maintenance. The only reason that it did take off was that a bunch of foolish passengers had mistakenly boarded the flight, followed by a smaller bunch of foolish cabin crews and then a few foolish cockpit guys. The wings of the flight were still not fixed properly, so it is not surprising that those fell off in mid-air. The flight was cruising at thirty two thousand feet when the mishap happened. Luckily, I was not in the flight. I was the mechanic fixing the wings, I ‘was’ because I no more ‘am’, and I was still on the wings when the flight took off. I was unaware of that, as I was listening to music and continued disassembling the wings while the flight was in the air! When the wings were loosened enough, I fell with it, and while falling I saw the flight miraculously rise higher up in the air. By the time, the plane had crashed I was already in the immigration section of Heaven, wondering ‘How the Hell’ did I end up here?”
The interviews were taken by reporters from Antarctica Daily, post death at venues like hell and heaven!

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay
Editor-in-chief
Antarctica Daily

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This Math problem has stumped even the Legendary Cricketers

30 February, 0157: Never in a million years did anybody come up with the solution to the question posed by the world-famous mathematician and spare-time-wicketkeeper Dr Partial Derivative, not exactly because the problem was too difficult, but more so because, a million years have not yet evolved ever since he did pose the problem! This problem is not invented by him and his browser history says that he simply had fished it off Google.

Kids don’t understand this problem,
Men can’t solve this problem but
Legends always give up whatever they are doing and attempt to try to endeavour to seek to strive to solve this problem.

And such legendary cricketers are the ones who are affected the worst! Dr P Derivative, as mentioned above is a wicket keeper of a charity cricket team which plays cricket matches with World’s Legendary XI (a dynamic cricket team consisting of the best cricket players to ever play cricket!) to raise money for raising money! Whenever his cricket team is about to lose a match and he is wicket keeping, he shouts out the problem from behind the batsman. Being legends, they immediately start solving the problem. The bowler bowls and with the batsman busy, the keeper stumps forcing the umpire to raise a finger high up in the air, which if had been the neighboring finger, could have landed him in trouble! However, it was the math problem which basically did the stumping!

Experts say that the math problem is actually not a problem at all but rather the description of the Lagrangian of the Standard Model. It is so long and dense with mathematical symbols that it takes the legends forever to understand why on Earth, or for that matter, in the Universe would the wicket keeper shout out such a elemental historical fundamental physical mathematical factual real description to them at the middle of the match, and ask them to solve it and in the meantime the wicket keeper Dr PD would have already stumped them out!

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🙂

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay
Editor-in-chief
Antarctica Daily

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IIT Aspirant files PIL against IPL to introduce Negative Marking

30 February, 0150: Equality is the basis of Democracy. We learnt it. He applied it!

He‘ refers to an unnamed IIT aspirant from Mumbai, India. His belief is that if IIT Aspirants get negative marking for wrong answers in the JEE Exam, then the Cricket teams should get Negative marks if they lose the match. The idea has won followers over many social media platforms.

As you can see, His facebook post was liked by more than half the human population within only 9 milli seconds! Even on Twitter he was the boss…

Fake iPhone Text Generator iOS

We managed to get a screenshot within nanoseconds of Him Tweeting this. But in the next 4.5 microsecond his tweet became the most tweeted pic ever! His account became the most followed account ever and He received at least a trillion replies.

Among his other ideas, was that, IPL teams can choose to play which game they like. Therefore they may attempt and play only the games they want to and no points will be deducted. Also he asked for increase in the number of games to 90 for the perfect point of 360 as he demanded +4 for every win and -1 for every loss. Plus, he added that every game should be completed within 3 hours. Players will be vigorously checked before entry into stadium and no bluetooth communication devices will be allowed. Players can wear only loose fitting clothes like Track suits. Also they are not allowed to bring their own bats and balls and protective equipments and they will be supplied by the stadium authority.

With such immense success in spreading the word to make life harder for cricketers, we believe that his initiative will surely succeed in succeeding and hence introduce negative marking in a cricket league. His PIL has been supported by everybody in this galaxy including the IPL cricketers themselves!

PS: Another story by such an unknown “HIM”.

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay
Editor-in-chief
Antarctica Daily
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Ronaldo requested to star in FINAL DESTINATION after his ‘Winning Penalty’ Vision

30 February,0107: Real Madrid are unstoppable. They have won 11 Champions League finals and surely deserve the title of ‘The Best in Europe.’ They have defeated Atletico Madrid 3 times in a row in consecutive seasons and proven to be too good for their city rivals.

In the final match, both teams played exceptionally well. Especially the passing of balls, both among the same team players and in between the different teams have been exceptional. Atletico Forward Antoine Griezmann missed an unfortunate penalty but the young Carrasco managed to level with Ramos’ goal in the second half. But the match was so entertaining that the players themselves refused to end it and played till the last millisecond of 120 minutes of extra time.

In the penalties however, Pressure took the better of Juanfran and he missed a penalty. Then Ronaldo stepped up and this is where the story begins. He scored a beautiful goal and Real Madrid won the cup.

But the underlying mystery remained hidden until the post-match interview. Ronaldo, said that he had a vision of scoring the winning penalty and told his manager Zidan that he will take the last penalty.

Film-makers were waiting for this opportunity (as they told us, but how did THEY have been waiting? Did they too get a vision?). As soon as the match ended they  started running after the Ronaldo who is probably, the best footballer in the world. But Ronaldo directly denied the request.

After the denial, the film-makers have been reportedly been chasing the Defender who had played in that final, and had mesmerised the world with his innovative ACTING.

Manager sacks Club Owner and sells them in Transfer Window

30 February, 0106: An unlikely happening happened last month while the Transfer Window was open for Mancheater United. The club manager or the head coach, Jose More-Eno (who always sufers from digestive problems) was angered by the refusal to spend funds for the welfare of the team by the club owner, the Glacier family and as a result the “Raid Evil” Manager sacked the Owners instead of the other way around. In terms of a layman, More-Eno sacked his Boss.

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The Worst Logo of the Universe winner (3 times)

Players have displayed mixed emotions. Striker When Ruining broke down crying where as youngster Antonic Marshmallow declared that it was the most brave act he has ever seen in his long life of 20 years. Another youngster Mount Rushmore said that when he grows up, his aim would be to be a substitute player and then sack the owner, which would be the bravest act possible, according to him. Meanwhile midfielder Bustation Liontiger tattooed his eyelids, with the name of their ex-owner. Another Midfielder, Join Mota did 8 back flips and sent a friend request to Shellsea boss Greek AbramoRich on Fleshbook in an attempt to return to his old club, picturing his future. Most Notably Goal Keeper, Dravid de Goa said, “The future of our team is now independent of the past” which raised several  question involving Grandfather’s paradox, Entropy, already overthrown Laplacian determinism and Thermodynamic arrow of time.

As a replacement the Manager has been spotted talking to Bill Windows(who is famous for developing the OS Gates) about taking over the ownership of the club. One can tell that a never desiccating fund was the motive behind the rendezvous.

Arkadeep Mukhopadhyay

Editor-in-chief

Antarctica Daily